


Back to Strangers

by Spnloverja



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Adultery, Car Accidents, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt Jared Padalecki, Hurt Jensen Ackles, Lawyer Jared, M/M, Teacher Jensen
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-07-27
Updated: 2017-03-05
Packaged: 2018-07-27 00:23:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 24,971
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7596109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spnloverja/pseuds/Spnloverja
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen loves Jared. Maybe that's why he didn't want to notice the steadily increasing space between them. The lost conversations, the late nights at work, the nights spent in an empty bed. Maybe it's because he wants to see the man he fell for standing across the kitchen counter and not this stranger that knows everything about him. Jensen loves Jared, but sometimes, love isn't enough. And someone is going to end up hurt.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Lovers

**Author's Note:**

> "I'm not sad anymore just tired of the peace."

_Sore fingers tangled into the knot of his tie, prying the noose from his collar as his other hand automatically unlocked the dead bolt. The door swung open with ease, revealing a dimly lit entry way and releasing a heavenly scent. A grin cracked across Jensen's solemn lips as he dropped his keys and briefcase on the entry table and toed off his shoes with a sigh. He unbuttoned his dress shirt sleeves and rolled the fabric up to bare his forearms as he waltzed into the kitchen. He rounded the doorway and leaned against the door jamb, staring fondly at his befuddled boyfriend. Jared bustled through the messy kitchen, shirt sleeves peppered with flour and tie stained with tomato sauce. He grabbed hold of a bubbling pot and slid it off the burner, cursing under his breath as the steaming water splashed over the rim. He rounded back to the kitchen island to busy himself with the pile of lettuce and uneven carrot chunks when he stopped cold at the sight of Jensen in the doorway. A rosy color filled the apples of his cheeks. "You're home early."_

_"Actually, I'm late," Jensen chuckled softly, pushing off from the doorframe and heading towards the war zone of a stove. Jared glanced over his shoulder at the oven clock: 7:32._

_"Fuck. I must have lost track of time." His gaze wandered to his boyfriend's path and he intercepted him, placing two large hands on the firm plane of his chest. "Oh no you don't, I'm making you dinner tonight."_

_"Just let me..." Jensen trailed off at the puppy look the large man in front of him was assaulting him with. "You're going to burn the garlic bread."_

_Jared cursed and took a long stride over to the oven, grabbing the handle and promptly choking on the billowing smoke that escaped as he yanked the oven door open. He waved a hand through the soiled air in front of his face, "Go sit in the dining room."_

_Jensen grumbled unhappily but complied, treading into the next room on socked feet. A warmth spread through his chest as he took in the room. The dining room table was draped in their crème table cloth, and two electric candles flickered at its center. Ceramic plates were placed in front of two seats along with silverware and a drooping swan napkin. Jensen sat heavily in front of the place setting at the head of the table, brushing his fingers across the folded napkin. A clattering of pans resounded from the kitchen and Jensen tensed, waiting for a holler of pain. Jared's booming voice followed the clang, "I'm good!"_

_A moment later Jared entered, juggling a bowl of spaghetti and a basket of charred garlic bread. Sauce dripped onto the floor and Jensen resisted the urge to run and grab a mop. Jared placed the fresh food on the table and smiled proudly. He spooned at least three portions of pasta onto Jensen's plate before sitting down beside him and watching him eagerly. Jensen grabbed a fork and took an immense bite; the sauce singed the top of his mouth and the pasta was overcooked and mushy. "This is amazing Jare."_

__The blinding grin that took over Jared's face made Jensen's heart melt and he shoveled another forkful into his mouth. Suddenly Jared hopped up from his seat and ran into the kitchen, returning a moment later with a small wrapped box, a crooked silk bow adorning the top. He held it out to his lover, "Happy Birthday, Jen."_ _

_Jensen took the box slowly, nimble fingers working the treasure open. "I told you not to get me anything."_

_"Yeah, but you didn't mean it." Jensen rolled his eyes fondly and opened the gift. His green eyes went wide at the present inside. He looked to Jared, who was nervously wringing his hands. His eyes trailed back to the silver-plated watch nestled in the box._

_"Jared... we can't afford this." He could almost feel the wave of hurt that poured from Jared's defeated posture. "I mean it's beautiful! I absolutely love it but... it's just too much."_

_Jared took his right hand in one big paw and plucked the watch from its case, securing it onto Jensen's wrist. The face glinted in the candlelight and Jensen's jaw slackened. He had never owned anything so nice. "Don't worry about that, it's your 29th birthday and you deserve a special gift."_

_Jared remained half-bent over Jensen's chair, causing Jensen to have to tip his head back to look at him. His eyes stung with emotion. "Thank you."_

_Jared ducked down and captured Jensen's lips against his own. Jensen trailed a soft touch up Jared's arm and to the meat of his shoulder, burying his fingers in the soft curls at the nape of his neck. He tugged Jared in closer and moaned softly as Jared straddled his lap. Jared squeezed his waist between his strong thighs and Jensen's breath caught in his chest. Jared dropped his hand to Jensen's pants and... ___

Jensen startled awake in a cold sweat. He instinctively reached out to the other side of the bed, finger tips meeting cold sheets. He ran a rough hand over his face and rolled onto his side. The thud of something hitting the floor and a muffled string of curses alerted Jensen to what had startled him from his blessed sleep. Jared was home.  
Jensen pulled himself slowly from the warm embrace of his mattress and skated across the hard wood floor on bare feet. His flannel pajama bottoms brushed the floor from their low-hanging position on his narrow hips. He shuffled into the kitchen, squinting from the glare of the luminescent lights. Jared stood by the counter, clad in his full suit with an armful of files. "You left your shoes in the foyer." 

Jensen nodded sleepily, moving towards the microwave and removing the plate of food he had left there almost four hours earlier. He set it on the island and peeled away the foil. 

"I tripped on them." Jared concluded, frustration coloring his words. Jensen glanced up for a second, meeting terse lips and hazel eyes. Then he picked up the plate and placed it back in the microwave, punching the buttons a little more forcefully then necessary. He could hear Jared tapping his foot as he waited for some apology or consolation, but Jensen just didn't have it in him. The microwave beeped resoundingly, breaking the tense air. Jensen slipped the plate out of the device and slid it across the island to Jared. 

"How was your day?" Jensen questioned softly, passing Jared a fork and knife to saw through his re heated chicken breast. Jared chewed carefully before answering, "Long."

Jensen sighed at the clipped answer and picked up the crumpled foil on the counter, tossing it in the trash below the sink. "Well, what did you do?"

He could hear the clink of a fork across ceramic from his leaned position by the counter. "Jen, it's late. Can we please just talk in the morning?"

Jensen took a careful breath, bare stomach pressed against the cold granite countertop. Of course he knew it was late, because it was past eleven at night and his alarm was going off in less than six hours. Of course he knew it was late, because he had cooked dinner four hours ago and sat alone at the dining table with a glass of wine and his cellphone, waiting for Jared to call or walk through the front door. Of course he knew it was late, because Jared was always late now, ever since he had made partner at his law firm six months ago. Of course it was late, because Jensen was bone weary tired and wanted desperately to crawl back into his cocoon of covers instead of standing in the kitchen making small talk, but here he was because it was late and he missed his boyfriend.  
But Jensen did not say any of this. Instead he turned slowly, gave a grim nod, and padded back to the dark confines of the bedroom, _because it was late_. "Come to bed when you're ready."

 

Jared watched him go, his bare shoulders slumped and face solemn. Jared ran his fingers through his hair and dropped forward onto his elbows, spine curving and head dropping low. He was an asshole. He was an asshole who snapped at the man he loved because he was angry. Angry at himself for being late, angry at his job for being so life consuming, and angry at Jensen for being so damn understanding. He didn't deserve it. The idea of dry chicken and water-logged green beans suddenly didn't appeal to him. He scraped the food into the trash and dropped the plate into the sink, shrugging off his jacket as he ran hot water over the plate. He stepped out of the kitchen, flipping off the light switch and flooding the house with darkness. He moved towards the bedroom by memory as his eyes adjusted to the pitch blackness surrounding him. He tripped on a pair of sneakers beside the door and clamped down on a profanity. Jensen and his damn shoes. He bent low and snatched up the offending objects, tossing them in the closet with his own dress shoes before draping his suit jacket over the chair in the corner. He moved silently across the floor into the master bedroom bathroom, closing the door securely before switching on the light. The small room filled with light and he dragged himself to the mirror. As he unclasped his watch and set it down by the sink, his fingers brushed the cool metal of the watch he had gotten Jensen for his birthday three years ago; he smiled fondly at the memory. 

He splashed his face with cold water, letting the droplets run in rivulets down the bow of his lip and crease of his nose. He had spent the last fifteen hours buried in paper-work on his latest case, a discrepancy in a merger agreement for two oil corporations. It was worth over $23 million to his firm and absolutely pointless to the rest of the population struggling to make ends meet. This wasn't what Jared had gotten into law to do; as cliché as it was, he truly dreamed of helping people with his degree, but this paid better. Paid at all. Jared's family had always struggled to make ends meet with a single mom who had two jobs and three kids; he didn’t want that for Jensen and himself. He wanted security. He knew Jensen understood that, but he just couldn't always reconcile the cost. 

Jared broke away from his thoughts and stripped off his clothes until he was down to his navy boxer briefs. He kicked the clothes into a corner and grabbed his toothbrush. As he scrubbed away the taste of the day he wiped down the sink with a hand towel. He spit into the basin and plunged the room back into darkness before re-entering the bedroom. 

Jensen stirred slightly as Jared climbed into the bed, mattress dipping low under his weight. Jared’s arm encircled the taunt skin of Jensen's waist, tugging the smaller man flush to his side. He buried his nose into Jensen's neck and breathed in deep. The stresses of the day melted off of him as he lay there in his home with the man he loved. As long as he had this everything would be alright. With that comforting thought, Jared slipped away into a peaceful slumber.

Jared awoke to the aroma of freshly brewed coffee and an empty bed. He snuffled sleepily, craning his neck to see the alarm clock; 6:35. Fuck. A shot of adrenaline raced through his system as he jumped out of bed and raced for the bathroom. He hastily scrubbed his teeth as he hopped clumsily into his dress pants, pausing with his tooth brush hanging limply from his mouth as he buttoned his shirt. He glared hotly at his tie, mouth stinging with minty froth as his numb fingers fumbled with the single Windsor knot. A dollop of toothpaste and drool slipped past his lips and plopped unceremoniously onto the pale fabric of his dress shirt. He sprinted to the bathroom sink with his head titled back to avoid anymore mishaps before spitting. The tie was still half way undone and his shoes were in his right hand when he traipsed into the kitchen. 

Jensen looked up from his position by the coffee maker, toast positioned between his teeth. He pursed his lips around the buttered bread before dropping both his hands and walking over to Jared's mutilated tie. With a sure touch he fixed the tangled mess and went back to his coffee mug. Steam was still rising from the mug as he took a gulp from the blue ceramic with italic script reading 'You Can't Scare Me, I'm an English Teacher'. It was his favorite mug. Jensen handed Jared a steaming mug of his own before brushing past him into the foyer. Jared sat on a stool by the island and hastily knotted his shoes. "Why didn't you wake me?"

He could here Jensen's calm voice emanate from the living room. "You needed sleep." 

"Well, I also need to keep my job." Jared snapped back, pulling himself into a standing position and heading back into the bedroom for his suit jacket. If Jensen answered him, he didn't hear it. Jared pulled on his jacket, patting down his pockets to check for his cellphone and wallet. Check and check. He strode back into the kitchen and glanced at the oven clock: 6:50. A sigh parted his lips. _Good_ He wouldn't be late. 

He collected his briefcase and files and headed for the front door, snatching his keys off the dish on the side table. His hand hovered over the knob before he turned back into the house and went to Jensen in the living room. Jensen was positioned on the couch with stacks of notebook paper in front of him, all of the pieces of paper scratched with that classic teenage scrawl. He had a red pen perched between his fingers and the pen cap clenched between his teeth. Jared came up beside him and dropped a kiss onto his temple. Jensen leaned into the butterfly soft touch. "I love you."

 

"Love you too," Jensen garbled around the small piece of plastic in his mouth. He didn't look up from his messy array of papers as Jared exited the room, but he heard his sure words accompanied by the bang of the front door. _"I'll probably be late tonight." ___

Jensen heaved a sigh and tossed the pen onto the coffee table, ruffling a few crinkled essays. He didn't know how much longer he could take Jared's absence. These long hours couldn't last forever, right? The notion did little to reassure him. The time frame of long hours had steadily been lengthening for a year now.

'Just for a couple days Jen, until this case goes to court…' 

'A month tops, then I have a good chance at partner and I can get out of all this grunt work!' 

'This is just a busy time of year, babe.' 

Jensen had finally stopped asking. The disappointment each time the 'days' or 'months' or 'time of year' were dwindling to a close just became a heavier burden each time. It was too many canceled plans and cold dinners for him to keep track of any more. Jensen glanced at his watch: 6:57. He needed to head to work. He shuffled the essays back into one pile and slid them into his briefcase before snapping it closed and heading for the door. He looped his key ring around his finger, locking the door handle and swinging the door shut behind him. 

Jensen got to work at precisely 7:16, giving him plenty of time to go to the faculty lounge for a refill on his coffee stocks before needing to be in his classroom for tutorials at 7:40. He paced into the room assuredly and headed straight for the coffee pot, not taking heed of the other staff members in the room. That's why he was slightly startled when an unfamiliar, deep voice sounded behind him. "Are you Mr. Ackles?" 

He twisted around at the unexpected question with a comical surprised expression painting his features. The rough voice belonged to a man Jensen had never seen before. He was slightly shorter than Jensen's own 6 foot 1 frame, and much more petite in his narrow shoulders. He had a shock of unruly black hair over a heart-shaped face, the focal point of which being crystal blue eyes. There was a slight crinkle between his eyebrows, giving him an endearing innocent look as he awaited Jensen's reply. Feeling like a dumb-struck idiot, Jensen nodded quickly. "You can call me Jensen. And you are?" 

"Misha Collins," the man replied, thrusting his hand foreword in greeting, "I'm the new Dual Credit English teacher." 

"Oh! So you'll be my new room neighbor. Well, it's nice to meet you, and come on by anytime you need a cup of sugar." A flash of confusion crossed Misha's features and Jensen feared he had just made himself look like an even bigger idiot, but the look quickly passed and was replaced by a soft smile. 

"I'll have to keep that in mind." Jensen smiled back easily and turned to the coffee pot to pour himself a serving of the piping liquid. 

"Bit of advice, the coffee here goes fast and you don't want to get stuck between a teacher who’s just graded a mock SAT and their caffeine, so get here early or bring your own." Misha chuckled at the comment and Jensen felt a stirring in his chest; it had been a while since someone laughed at his jokes, Since someone had been around to hear them. "There's a good place just down the street, a bit over priced but they've got some decent caffeine." 

"Perhaps we could go together one morning," Misha suggested hopefully, "in order to spare ourselves any undo harm." 

"Sounds like a plan," Jensen answered kindly. "Are you new to the area?" 

"Yes, I just moved here from California. Am I that obvious?" Misha replied playfully, the tips of his ears turning pink. 

"Not at all, it's just the..." He motioned to Misha's attire with his left hand, right still clutching the ceramic mug. Misha was dressed in a pressed, three piece, fitted grey suit accompanied by a bright blue tie. Jensen looked to his own tie covered in playful cartoon Snoopy Dogs and his jeans and ran a hand through his light brown hair. "Texas is a bit more casual." 

"I'm afraid I don't own any ties as elegant as yours. My tie collection is severely lacking in whimsy." Misha flicked the plain silk for emphasis, a rueful smile playing along his pink lips. 

"Well then, you met the right man," Jensen cracked back before taking a low bow, "King of whimsical ties at your service." 

"Oh heavens, I didn't realize I was in the presence of a king!" The mock bow he gave in return caused a laugh deep in Jensen's chest; it scratched an ache that had residing there for so long Jensen had almost forgotten that it didn't belong. As the lounge door banged closed Jensen realized the room was completely empty apart from Misha and himself. He looked at his watch: 7:30. He had lost track of time. 

"I need to get to my classroom for tutorials, care to walk with me?" A soft smile melted his features as the pair exited the lounge and walked toward the English hall. The corridor was almost deserted apart from one or two students with a pass clutched in their hands. Jensen stalled beside his door and slid his staff key into the lock. "I hope your first day goes smoothly." 

"I might be spending most of it trying to find a reason to need a cup of sugar," Misha replied slyly, all downcast eyes and shy smile. Jensen blushed hotly and a sudden sense of shame burned at the pit of his stomach. It had felt so humanizing to actually converse with someone for more than five rushed minutes that he hadn't mentioned his boyfriend out of a gnawing fear of losing the chance. He swallowed awkwardly and wet his lips, "Just to be honest, I have a boyfriend..." 

Misha lifted his arms in a sign of surrender, "No need to go on. It would just be nice to have a friend around here." 

"I'm glad you said that. Honestly, I'm in real need of friend too." The understanding in Misha's eyes uncoiled the heavy ball of anxiety in Jensen's gut and set him at ease. 

]"But I must say, whoever your boyfriend is, he is a lucky man." Misha stated coyly, trying and failing to hide the appreciative flicker of his eyes across Jensen's features. Blood rushed up into Jensen's face at both the compliment and the heated look accompanying it. He pushed his classroom door open and flicked on the light before rebutting. 

"I might just have to get you to tell him that." Jensen didn't look back to see Misha's reaction, he simply planted himself at his desk and removed the sheath of papers that still had not been read. He stared at the unmarked assignments for five minutes before accepting that his brain was not going to cooperate. On a whim of emotion he retracted his cell phone from his pants pocket and pressed one before placing the phone to his ear. He listed to the shrill ring twice before... 

"Hello," Jared's deep voice resounded through the speaker, making Jensen's heart flutter. 

"Hey babe," Jensen greeted cheerfully, good spirits lilting his tone. On the line there was soft mutterings and the shuffling of papers in the background, along with the telltale tapping of Jared's foot. "I'm sure you're busy, but I just wanted to call and..." 

Jensen didn't honestly know why he had called. There was no thought process or logical reasoning or question, just this sudden longing for a conversation with Jared. "And..." 

Jared's taunt was two parts amused and one part annoyed. Jensen chewed his lower lip, racking his brain for an answer. Since when had it become so hard to talk to his boyfriend? "And ask you if you would be home for dinner." 

There was a long pause on the other end of the line, even a stall in the incessant tapping. "I'll do my best, Jen." 

"I know you will, it's just..." I miss you. The words were left heavy of Jensen's tongue as Jared cut him off abruptly. 

"I'm sorry babe, but I have to go. I'll talk to you later." There was the chaotic sound of thudding feet and chairs squealing and Jensen knew he wasn't lying, but it didn't ease the sting of another clipped conversation and unspoken words. 

"Lov..." The phone line went dead. 

Jensen kept the phone beside his ear for a long moment before dropping it onto his desk with a disgruntled scoff. He pressed the heels of his palms into his itching eyes and swallowed a scream of frustration. Jared's busy. Fine. But that's not an excuse for neglecting common decency. Jensen didn't think he was asking too much when all he wanted was a decent conversation with the man he has been dating for six years. Sometimes he just didn't know if he even wanted to keep... He shook his head at the thought. He perched his chin on his clasped hands and caught sight of his phone’s lock screen. It was Jared and him on their fifth anniversary. Jensen had surprised Jared with a camping trip because he had never gotten to go as a child. They had spent three days in a broken down cabin freezing their asses off without heat and only a dilapidated water heater. It was Jared's idea to build a fort in front of the fireplace, so they had dragged both mattresses into the den and ransacked the small cottage for all the blankets and pillows they could find. They laid there swaddled in blankets and each other's heat, bathed in the amber glow of flickering flames, and just talked. They divulged their deepest fears and darkest secrets, they laughed till their bellies ached about embarrassing moments and idiotic stunts, they discussed beliefs and politics, and they poured out their souls. Both of them eager to listen and itching to share. 

Those were the last days Jensen can remember being heart achingly happy and sickeningly in love. When they got back, Jared had been assigned his first solo case, and now a year later they were here. 

Strangers who knew everything about one another. 

The picture was of the both of them hunkered in their fort. Fire light danced across their white smiles and shadowed the laugh lines creasing Jensen's eyes as Jared smacked a sloppy wet kiss across his cheekbone. Jensen's pinned beneath his broad chest, the arm holding the phone stretched out to the side, and face half way facing the camera. It's adorable and candid but that's not why it's Jensen's favorite picture. It's Jensen's favorite picture because of the look Jared is giving him: this open stare of pure undiluted love like he’s looking at all he has ever wanted and all he will ever need. For a shivering moment, Jensen wonders what the picture of them would look like now. Like two people on opposite ends of a granite island staring at the floor. Like foil covered dinners and half-empty beds. 

"Mr. Ackles?" A high-pitched voice broke him from his stupor and his gaze snapped up to find one of his students standing at the side of his desk. She had a piece of notebook paper clutched in her manicured fingers, a purple backpack swung over one shoulder. 

"Yes, Claire, how can I help you?" In that moment Jensen was filled with gratitude for his job. For nine hours he will be surrounded by teenagers and faculty, and he could convince himself that he didn’t feel utterly and completely alone. 


	2. Friends

The scrape of the key in the lock signaled Jensen's arrival home. He faltered into the entryway before dropping his keys onto the side table, dislodging his shoes from his feet before continuing towards the bedroom to strip out of his work clothes. He had spent as long as possible at the school, coaching 17 year olds through their upcoming English Literature AP Exam and marking through essays. He gripped the back of his neck as it spasmed from the abuse of craning over blue lined paper all afternoon. Misha had dropped in a couple hours before Jensen had finally mustered up the will to go to his empty house. He had given him his number and invited him to dinner but in a show of naïve hopefulness Jensen had declined, claiming that he would be having dinner with Jared. After changing into a worn in pair of sweats and a t shirt with a hole in the sleeve Jensen checked his phone. No messages. 

Treading into the kitchen on bare feet Jensen grabbed a beer from the fridge and dropped down onto the couch in the living room. His left arm stretched over the back of the sofa and he kicked his feet up onto the coffee table. After flipping through the channels he found a B rated scary movie. The graphics were terrible and the plot line riddled with holes, but the acting was decent so he tossed the remote beside him and settled back taking a sip of his beer. Throughout the film he checked his phone frequently, but there were never any messages. As the end credits rolled and Jensen's beer bottle sat empty on the coffee table Jensen picked up his phone one last time. No messages. He dialed one and waited, listening to the thin shrill of the ringer.

Ring

Ring

Ring

Hello, this is Jared Padalecki, I can't... 

Jensen ended the call without leaving a message. He moved to the kitchen and tossed the glass beer bottle in the recycling bin before opening the refrigerator. Half a gallon of milk, a jar of pickles, and an apple that had seen better days... tempting. With a huff he closed the sleek door and sat down at the island. From his position he had a straight line of vision into the dining room; it was dark and deserted. His stomach rolled at the idea of eating another meal in there alone. The phone in his back pocket buzzed Jensen snatched it out, renewed hope rising in his chest. 

_Staff meeting moved from Tuesday to Thursday._

The gaping wound left in Jensen's psyche made him feel ridiculous. He wasn't some 13 year old girl, why was he sitting here waiting for his boyfriend to message him? He had his own life. With deft swipes Jensen thumbed through his contacts and texted the first name that caught his eye: Misha Collins.

_I know it's kind of late, but any chance you haven't eaten yet?_

He didn't have to wait long for a reply.

_I actually just ordered a pizza. Meatlovers, you interested?_

Jensen chuckled softly, chewing his lip in contemplation before answering.

_Always. Want to bring it over? I have beer._

_Sounds perfect, just send me your address and I'll be right over._

_2172 Winchester Dr_

_Be there soon._

Jensen locked his phone and replaced it in his pocket. He busied himself with getting out two beers and clearing away the coffee table while he waited. As he collected a couple of glasses and placed them in the sink he thought about texting Jared to let him know that he was having a guest over. The thought escaped his brain as a knock resounded at the front door. The dark mahogany parted to reveal Misha in a tight fitted t-shirt and jeans with a large pizza box balanced on one arm. "Come on in, the kitchen is this way."

Jensen slipped from the doorway and led Misha to the kitchen, sliding him a beer across the countertop as soon as the cardboard box was securely stationed. Misha graciously accepted the alcohol, "You have a lovely home."

Misha's blue gaze traced the dark marble countertops and sleek silver appliances, it caught on the refrigerator and he walked over to it leaning in close to a picture of Jared and Jensen held on by a magnet of a horseshoe. The photo was of Jared and Jensen at a rodeo; Jared's arm was looped around Jensen's waist and they were both topped with black cowboy hats and donning cowboy boots. Jared had also opted for an oversized silver belt buckle and had one hand proudly hooked in his front belt loop. He had a cheesy grin, sweat drenched his forehead from his hat, and Jensen was looking sideways at him with a fond smile. "Is this your boyfriend?"

Jensen opened an upper cabinet and reached for two plates. "Yeah that's Jared, I promise he doesn't always dress like that."

Misha gave a throaty laugh and went back to looking at the image, he raised one black eyebrow and added, "He's...tall."

Jensen laughed heartily, eyes crinkling and nose scrunching as he handed Misha a plate and flipped open the pizza box, "A lot of people say that."

"Where is he right now?" They both grabbed greasy slices piled high with meat and cheese and weighed down their plates with food. Misha took a hearty bite while he waited for an answer, grease wetting his bottom lip.

"Work. He's a lawyer." Pride colored his last words as he took a slice into his hand and took in a mouthful of meat and sauce. He motioned towards the living room with his head, mouth still working through the morsel he'd shoved in. Plates balanced with one hand and glass bottles wrapped in the other, the pair moved onto the couch. They chewed in comfortable silence until they both staved off hunger pains and had slick hands with at least one sauce stain. "What's your favorite book?"

"Careful, your English teacher is showing," Misha quipped. toeing off his shoes and folding his bare feet beneath his body. Chewing his next bite slowly he adopted an indecisive look over his face; Jensen tore off another mouthful of pizza and waited patiently. "I'm quite partial to Dante's Inferno."

"I bit dark, don't you think?" Jensen stretched his sweat pant clad legs across the couch, bending his knees just slightly enough that his toes rested inches from Misha's thigh. 

"I suppose." Misha blushed sweetly adjusting his posture to face the other man in the room, his thigh tucked underneath Jensen's foot and his arm descended over the leather back of the sofa. His fingers looked pale and clean against its dark roast. "But I rather like the poetic justice of people receiving what they've dished out."

It wasn't the answer that Jensen had pictured from the easy speaking man, it was a tad crass and excessively vengeful, but it was refreshingly honest. "Have I scared you off?"

Jensen snapped out of his thoughts at the earnest words. He met Misha's intense inspection and shook his head, "Not at all. You might want to leave after you hear mine though."

Misha's interest peaked, his body sloping further into Jensen's space. A mock defeated sigh billowed from Jensen's lips. "I'm not the man you thought you knew. You just might lose all respect for me after I divulge this terrible fault."

"It can't be that bad." Misha huffed in amusement, taking a drag off his beer bottle. Jensen threw his arm over his eyes and muttered petulantly, "It's the worst."

"Well now you just have to tell me! I'm rapt in anticipation." Jensen pulled his knees closer into his chest and threw his arm away from his face, mock seriousness covering his request.

"But it must remain our little secret." After waiting for a confirmation nod Jensen groaned out, "Pride and Prejudice."

Misha's laugh was hard and abrupt, the joyous sound that sneaks up in your throat and leaps free; it made Jensen smile. After sucking in a mouthful of air Misha replied ruefully, "Oh a romantic."

"The worst kind," Jensen agreed solemnly taking up the soiled dishes and raising up from the couch, "Regency."

Misha’s chest rumbled with laughter and Jensen ducked his head in an attempt to hide the pink blooming across his cheeks. The rough drag of denim across his toes awakened him to his proximity to the older man and Jensen shyly tucked his feet in closer. It was doubtful that Misha didn’t notice the movement so when he opened his mouth Jensen tensed slightly, “You really do have beautiful home.”

With the words Misha leaned over the back of the sofa, craning his neck to trace over the hardwood floors and plush future. They caught slightly on the flat screen tv and compiling of speakers below. Jensen blushed hotly at the inspection, he cleared his throat “Jared’s a partner, it pays well.”

“Impressive. You must be proud.” Jensen swallowed thickly, removing himself from the couch collecting the plates into one hand. “I can tell you his momma sure is proud.”

He could hear Misha's low chuckle as he carried the dishes into the kitchen and rinsed them in the sink. His right hip tingled with pinpricks at the sudden wash of blood flow and his foot twitched with stiffness. He took a side long glance at the clock. Had they really been coupled on the couch for that long? 10:34 the red l.e.d flickered. Misha's deep drawl startled him. "I should probably be going."

"I hadn't even realized how late it had gotten." Jensen toweled off his hands and led Misha to the door, "We should do this again sometime."

"Absolutely." Misha condoned, bringing Jensen into his embrace for a quick hug before pulling back with a splitting grin, "I'll see you tomorrow Mr. Darcy."

Jensen slapped at his shoulder playfully and tracked his stride across the lawn, not sealing the door until Misha had ducked into his car with one finale salute. Jensen leaned back against the closed door and gnawed at his lower lip. It had been awhile since he lost track of time in conversation. He kicked off from the door and waltzed back into the bedroom. He left a trail of clothes leading to the shower before wrenching the knob to hot and stepping in under the steaming liquid. He scrubbed through his hair and lathered his body, humming under his breath, completely comfortable in the moment of solace instead of feeling achingly empty in it. 

He rinsed clean the day and stepped out of the glass stall, snatching a plush green towel off the rack and tousling his hair in its confines. He wiped away the beads of water accumulated on his pinked skin and dragged his pajama bottoms up his bow legs. As he brushed his teeth, he unclasped his watch and pried his contacts from his eyes, spitting blindly at the basin.

He left the bathroom and clambered into bed, shoving himself under the sheets and settling down into the bowing of the mattress. Just as he began to drift off the distinct creak of the door startled him awake. He listened to the familiar thud of Jared's steps into the kitchen, and the scrape of the pizza box being plied open. The option of removing himself from his cozy position seemed distant, he instead breathed quietly in the clear darkness, listening to the sounds of Jared stumbling over his shoes into the bathroom and then the thrum of water in the sink. A trickle of yellow light bloomed across the ceiling from under the bathroom's door jamb. The trickle of streaming water signified Jared's shower and Jensen closed his eyes, listening closely to the soft baritone of Jared's off kilter singing. The water shut off and the yellow light was swallowed by the shadows filling the room.

Jared slid under the covers silently, shimmying under the comforter and prying through the sheets with his toes. Jensen laid there for a moment, watching the moonlight filter in and splay its long white fingers across the ceiling. A puff of air tickled at the nape of his neck as Jared pressed his hot mouth against his pulse point. The arm across his sternum was solid and warm, it had always made him feel protected and treasured. But tonight he felt confined. He was suffocating under it. Jared's long fingers stretched around his side, cupping his ribs and pressing into the divots between them. Jensen’s soft musing was ear splitting in the silence, "I made a new friend today."

Jared shuffled slightly, fingers flexing across his flesh and lips fluttering across the thin skin of his neck, "The one who came over for dinner?"

"I saw the plates." 

"Yes, Misha." There was a lift at the side of his mouth when Jensen said his name, he felt Jared retract his arm. He saw Jared’s hulking shadow as he rose up on his elbow and leaned over Jensen to peer down at his features.

"Misha?" An obvious tilt covered the name on Jared's tongue, like he couldn't decide if he accepted that as a legitimate answer. There was a long pause in which Jensen offered nothing else. He still hadn't met Jared's heated gaze, he didn't know what he'd find there. It honestly terrified him. "Is Misha gay?"

Jensen scrunched his face at the question, tracking through his conversations with the older man through out the day, "He never said he was, but I'm pretty sure."

Jared waited a moment for clarification, breathing through his mouth noisily in the stillness. He tipped forward slightly, long brunette strands falling into his eyes, "What do you mean you're 'pretty sure'?"

"Just something he said," Jensen conceded shrugging one shoulder across the sheets. Jared again waited, and Jensen gave him nothing. Jared clenched his fingers and ground his teeth, not out of jealousy but out of frustration. He was over joyed Jensen had found someone to talk to, and trust had never been an issue between the couple, but these half answers were beginning to grate on Jared's already frayed nerves. 

"Well? What did he say?" Jared ground out taken aback by the sudden loss of intuitiveness between Jensen and himself. 

"It was nothing Jay." Then he shrugged again, one shoulder and careless. 

"If it was nothing just tell me what he said." Jared reasoned, head canted forward in an attempt to retain Jensen's gaze, but he steadfastly resisted. 

"You know… this is the longest conversation we've had in a week." The words were not heated, and that made them hurt all the worse. All of the fight left Jared and he fell back onto the bed, hands coming up to rub at his eyes. 

"I know this is rough Jen, it's hard on me too. But it's only temporary." And Jared wanted to believe that, he was optimistic that way. But Jensen was a realist.

"Is it temporary Jay?" It sounded less like a question and more like a submission. The broken surrender of a man riddled by hope, always to be let down.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Jared questioned head snapping to the side and glaring at Jensen's profile. He wanted to reach out and grab his face. He wanted to stare into his deep green eyes and see the man he loved, the man who loved him back. He wanted to, but he was too scared that's not what he would find. Jensen sighed pitifully, rolling onto his side away from Jared's watchful eyes, "It's nothing Jared."

A growl of frustration ground up from Jared's stomach, something deep in his gut that had been swallowed down and building. He sat up in bed and grabbed at his head in frustration, glowering at Jensen's bare back. Tanned skin smooth both tantalizing and infuriating, "Fuck Jensen! You know I hate that! When you bring shit up and then say it's nothing! How am I supposed to even fucking talk to you like this? I know it isn't nothing!"

The room was silent except for the panted breaths of Jared after his outburst. It stretched on and Jared had almost given up when he heard Jensen's stilted reply. "My boyfriend is lucky to have me."

Jared panted out another breath, brow furrowed in confusion, "What?"

Jensen turned over slowly, green gaze finally clashing with hazel. He parted his bowed pink lips, tongue darting out to moisten them, freckles standing out stark in the moonlight and long lashes fluttering across his cheeks, "Misha said 'my boyfriend is lucky to have me'."

Jared dropped onto his side dragging his right arm over Jensen's bare flesh and pulling them flush chest to chest. He stared deeply into Jensen's open look and traced his fingers across his cheekbone. They laid there in the quiet, wrapped up in each other and a tear rolled across Jensen's cheek. "I miss you so damn much."

The words were choked and desperate and Jared wound his arms all the way around Jensen's shaking form, letting him bury his face in his chest and kissed the crown of his head. They stayed there until Jensen was still, and then they stayed a little longer. Jared picked up his lips from Jensen's tawny hair, "It's only temporary."

And maybe it was only temporary, but Jensen feared that the growing split between them was not. “When did it become so hard to talk to each other?”

Jared dragged his lithe fingers up and down Jensen’s sternum in a soothing rhythm. The question didn’t surprise him, just the fact that Jensen had said it out loud. But then again Jensen had always been the brave one. “When we became scared of what the other would say.”


	3. Strangers

The other side of the bed was stone cold when Jensen awoke, face sore and stiff from crying. His fingertips grasped at the mused sheets in a search for residual body heat but there was only air conditioned bedding. Jared had been gone for a while, probably went into the office early. Jensen ducked under the comforter and breathed wheezily through his nose trying to stifle the new wave of tears. His chest ached hollowly laying alone in the early morning air. He called in sick to work.

He instead spent the day shrouded in blankets and fighting off waves of tears and chest rattling sobs. He was reaching his breaking point. The sad part was that he doubted Jared would even realize Jensen wasn't sitting in his classroom right now waving up at the projector screen and tapping desks to keep the teens in the back awake. He curled tighter under the comforter and drifted in and out of consciousness. He stayed there the rest of the day, only crawling out of his sanctuary to go the bathroom and fill a glass with tepid water. 

Around 4:15 there was distinct knock at the front door. Jensen unfurled himself from his confines and traipsed along the hardwood floor, cracking the door open slightly. On the other side was Misha, compassion clearly written on his face, and positioned in his hands as a bowl of chicken soup. "Heard you were sick."

"Thanks." His voice was thick and groggy from no use and he tenderly procured the offered gift. Misha peered at him through the crack in the door and concern flooded his eyes.

"Have you been crying?" The question was spurred and instinctive, Misha almost looked taken aback that it had spilled from his mouth. His lips snapped shut.

"I'm fine it's just...allergies." The lie was obvious and Jensen didn't have the energy to actually try and convince anyone. He had already spent all his reserves lying to himself. Misha stood on the door step resolutely, sun encircling his silhouette.

"Do you want to talk about it?" And damn it Jensen did. He swung the door in the rest of the way and waited for Misha to slip past before heading into the living room. After falling into the couch side by side Jensen kept his head low and pointed toward the clasped hands in his lap. Misha didn't pressure him to begin and Jensen was grateful for the chance to muddle through his thoughts. 

"Jared just... he works a lot," He began smoothly, picking up his face to inspect Misha. At seeing his intense examination, Jensen suddenly became acutely aware that his torso was bare. He nimbly took a sweat shirt between his fingers from the plush arm chair to his right and poked his head and arms through before continuing. The look didn't ease however and Jensen felt goose bumps raise across his covered arms: Misha was looking past his skin. "Spending this much time alone just takes a toll on your psyche." 

"Have you told him how you feel?" Misha wondered after a long pause. 

"He just keeps telling me that it's temporary. That he's doing this for us. Which I know is true, I know he only works this hard because he doesn't want for us to have to worry about money. He wants us to be able to afford nice watches and shiny appliances but he just doesn't understand that I don't give a damn about money. He doesn't get that if this keeps up there might...not be an ‘us’ anymore." The admission felt like a weight had been heaved away from his strained shoulders, it felt like a cold bucket of water splashed across his sleepy face. Out in the open air it finally felt real. "We love each other, but that might not be enough."

"Damn," Misha muttered eloquently, and Jensen smirked poorly blinking back a hot spring of tears. "I think you need some alcohol."

"Fuck yeah." Jensen gave a watery chuckle and wiped at his glistening eyes. At Misha's insistence he retrieved two tumblers and a bottle of bourbon. He filled each of their glasses and tossed his back in one swallow. The amber liquid burned a path down his throat and warmed up his stomach, he refilled his glass and took another swallow. Misha sipped at his more slowly, the pad of his thumb tracing along the rim of his glass. 

"How long have you been together?" Misha questioned, taking another gulp and smacking his lips. 

"Six years," Jensen intoned, tossing back the rest of his glass. The burn was traced by a numbing sensation that Jensen enjoyed a little too much. He poured another serving into his tumbler. "We met at a bar near the college we both went to. Somehow we had managed to go to the same school for five years and never met, but that night we both sat at the bar and stroked up a conversation. We sat there until 3 a.m. talking and laughing, we have the best conversations. We used to anyway."

The alcohol chased the bitter taste off Jensen's tongue. Misha sat quietly during the memory before piping up, "Six years is a long time."

"Hell yeah it is," Jensen chuckled dryly, head beginning to swim slightly, "Doesn't he realize what it's like? To suddenly feel like you've lost your best friend? He doesn't even talk to me anymore. Whenever I try it’s like pulling fucking teeth. Am I really such a bother? Is my conversing that painstaking?"

"You don't deserve to feel that way." Jensen downed another glass of bourbon, uncaring about the sway in his vision. Misha scooted across the cushion until their thighs were pressed against each other. "You don't deserve to be treated that way."

Jensen looked up at Misha through tear spiked eyelashes, cheeks colored with the burn of alcohol. His slick lips were slack and parted slightly in gentle pants. Misha's eyes wandered down to his mouth and his own lips fell open. Jensen wanted to blame the alcohol for not moving away, he wanted to say that his head was muffled and his reactions dragging but that would be a lie. When Misha leaned in and brushed his lips against Jensen's, he wanted him to. 

Jensen pulled away quickly after the first teasing of a kiss. He stood up and took a couple hitched steps away from the couch, not daring to look back at the man waiting there for him. "I think you need to go."

"Jensen, I'm so sorry, I don't know what came over me. This isn't me I don't hit on taken men, I just... I don't even know." Misha tried to stutter through an explanation, obviously distressed at the idea of ruining his chances at a friendship. Jensen turned around and took in the raw emotion evident on his face. Jensen understood it because he was feeling it too.

"Don't worry about it, we've both had a drink and it was just a one-time mistake." His words were sure and solid. Misha looked both relived and deflated at the adamant plea. "It won’t happen again."

"You're right, it won’t." Misha set his half full glass on the coffee table and rose up from the couch, "I should be going though, enjoy the soup."

Misha walked to the door surely and didn't dare to look back. Jensen didn't watch him go, just listened for the tell tale click of the front door and the revving of an engine. He stood there a moment longer, fingers drawing up to brush his lips. He dropped his touch and grabbed his bourbon before heading to the bedroom to wait for Jared to get home. He went over exactly what he would tell him over two dozen times. 

'We had too many drinks and accidently bumped lips…' 

'I was upset and he was trying to comfort me…'

'It was a mistake and we both know that, I made it clear that it will never happen again…'

Yes, that one. Jared could forgive him for that. Jensen slowly sipped at his glass of bourbon from his perch at the end of the bed, watching the shadows grow longer and the sunlight disappear from view. The bottle was half gone when Jensen finally fell into an uneasy slumber, empty glass in hand and feet dangling from the foot of the bed. 

He awoke to the chirp of his alarm and sat up groggily. His temples were pounding and the room was filled with too bright lights. Jensen squinted painfully and rubbed at his aching skull. He scanned his surroundings and took in the made up bed and bottle of bourbon on the side table. He heard the scrape of Jared's key in the lock and glowered at the alarm clock in confusion. It was 5:30 am, why was Jared just now coming in? Jensen stood up, staggered, and walked out of the bedroom, right hand still cupping his pulsating brain. "You didn't come home last night."

Jared looked up from where he was positioned at the counter. His eyes were red rimmed and bloodshot, his hair disarrayed in unmanaged tufts. The dress shirt was rucked up out of his belt and creased in his shoulders. The tie Jensen had knotted yesterday morning was hanging askew across his broad chest. Jensen doubted he looked much better if the contacts glued to his eyes meant anything. "Yeah, I had a merger contract due in negotiations today so I just slept at the office. I'm just home to change clothes and grab some breakfast."

"You could have called," Jensen groused, anger causing the thudding in his head to intensify. Jared stalled by the coffee maker with his hand hovering above the on switch. 

"I did, I called six times." Jensen fumbled in his pockets for his phone but couldn't find it. He moved into the living room and searched the couch, finding it wedged between to cushions. Jared missed calls (6). Jensen rubbed a hand down his groggy face and clutched the offending object in his fist before tossing it onto the side table. Jared strode into the living room with the half empty bottle of bourbon clutched in his hand. He thrust the bottle forward and Jensen's stomach churned at the wave of amber liquid sloshing inside of it, "This why you didn't answer?"

Shame colored Jensen's neck as Jared gaped furiously at him. Jensen wrung his hands trying to sort through the pounding in his mind to find the explanation he had articulated the night before. Jared waited a moment before striding out of the room with an exasperated huff. Jensen followed after him. "Jared we need to talk."

"Not now Jensen, I have to get back to work." Jared monotoned as he worked the tie away from his throat and shrugged off his suit jacket. Jensen trailed him into the bedroom, face indignant with rejection. Jared went into the bathroom and slammed the door behind him, splashing his scratchy face with cold water and running his finger pads across his two day stubble. Jensen pressed an open palm to the wood grain of the door.

"You don't get to be mad at me for drinking when you leave me here alo..." The door swung open and Jared filled the door frame. His wide shoulders cutting off the petite bathroom from Jensen's view. 

"I'm not mad at you Jen! Look... let's just have a nice dinner tonight. I just wrapped up a case and I should be home on time. We'll talk then, okay?" Jensen nodded appreciatively and Jared gave him a weak smile before shouldering past him into the open bedroom floor. Jensen followed his movements for a minute as he got on his buttoned his shirt and fumbled with a new tie. Then Jensen retreated into the bathroom to try and ease his hangover with some Tylenol and a cold shower.

Once he felt remotely human he collected his briefcase and work clothes before marching to the car in hurry. He screeched into the parking lot mere minutes before the first bell was set to ring. He slung his bag across one broad shoulder locked the car behind him as he stumbled towards the wide glass pained doors. Air conditioned fresh air blasted across Jensen’s hot cheeks as he stumbled through the crowd of mulling teenagers. He jogged around the English corridor corner and slammed bodily into a firm figure. His dress shoes scuffed the floor as he slid backwards, heels grinding the lament tile. “I’m so sorry, I shou…”  


“Don’t worry about it Jensen.” A deep drawl pulled at Jensen’s attention and he looked up to meet bright blue. Misha rubbed at his chest and tossed a bright smile, bubbling with hope and apprehension. Jensen’s smile was tight lipped as he skated around the smaller man into his classroom. The shrill ring of the bell accompanied his entrance. As he turned back to tug the grey door closed, Misha stepped halfway into the door’s path. “Perhaps we could have dinner again sometime, strictly platonic, I just…”  


“Sometime.” The curt response kicked across Jensen’s pink mouth and visibly stung his companion. Misha replied with a petite shake of his head and shuffled backwards, hands tucked into his beige trench coat. Jensen closed the door.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the lovely comments! It makes my day.  
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> .  
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> I'm going to do my best to update more often! Cross my heart.


	4. Holding On

Jensen rushed home as soon as the closing bell rang, almost bumbling over a couple of lagging students. He darted to his car and revved the engine, weaving around the line of school buses and out into the school zone traffic. The slowly rolling vehicles gave him ample opportunity to piece together a menu for tonight. He wanted to make the evening special, an opportunity to rekindle their relationship. He knew that if they just had a night to talk and remember why they were together then they could get over this hump. He pressed the gas pedal firmly as his front wheels treaded over the white paint equating the end of the school zone.

He stopped by the grocery store after mentally running through the food stock their house contained. It consisted of a can of spray cheese and a couple of dented cans of beans. Not particularly romantic. His legs carried him straight to the pasta aisle. Dropping dry pasta and tomato sauce into the red basket slung over his forearm, adding a smirk to his lips and on the walk to the checkout he impulse grasped a container of parmesan, the expensive grated kind. It was a special evening after all. His fingers tapped out a rhythm across the conveyor belt, excitement thrumming in his veins. Tonight would fix everything.

The drive home was made in record time and he flicked his wrist to peer at the time 4:37, plenty of time to cook a more than average meal. Jensen entered the house with groceries dangling from one arm, his keys in the other, and his briefcase handle tucked between his teeth. Shoulder against the front door he struggled inside nearly losing the glass jar of sauce as it bumped against the top of its paper bag confines. He spat out the briefcase, stretching out his aching jaw while bee-lining to the kitchen. After putting the pasta and water on to boil and simmering the tomato sauce, he stepped back, wiping nervous fingers across his thighs. Appearance ruffled and a red stain blooming at the hem of his work clothes from a splatter of marinara, he decided to clean up. Hunting through his closet he came up with a dark green button down that Jared claimed brought out his eyes, and black slacks he hadn’t worn since Easter. Hands smoothing out the wrinkles and feet fidgeting restlessly, he gawked at himself before the full length mirror. He fixed a couple of stray dirty blonde hairs and rubbed a hand across his jaw, grimacing at the weight loss in his face. It wasn’t prominent, but the stress was beginning to make an outward appearance.

The time was approaching 6:00 p.m. and Jared should be nearing home. Jensen darted from the bedroom and began setting up the dining room table with a crème colored tablecloth and two silver candlesticks. Rushing back to the kitchen, Jensen rotated the burners back to 0 before straining the pasta and tipping the pots onto two separate plates. He placed the heaping plates on the table cloth and splayed out metal cutlery. He excavated two wine glasses from the top cabinet and dusted off the red wine on the crown of the fridge. After pouring the burgundy liquid into the glasses, he placed them at either place setting. Digging matches out proved to be difficult task before his fingers finally grasped a pack at the recesses of their battery drawer. He lit the candles and dimmed the dining room lights, flipping on the speaker and scrolling through albums until he found the ever romantic AC/DC. Taking a lung straining breath, he dropped into his chair with his arms draping over the edge of the table. He checked his watch, 6:27. Jared was just a little late, they could talk about it tonight. Tonight would fix everything.

Jensen sat alone at the dining table until the candles were dripping wax in stalagmite formations and both wine glasses had been drained. The food sat cold and untouched, sauce congealing and noodles limp. His watch read 10:04 before Jensen finally accepted the fact the that Jared would not be home for dinner.

Jensen carried both full plates into the kitchen, popping one in the microwave and letting the other splatter red along the white sides of the sink. The thought of entering his empty bedroom made stomach acid crawl up his throat. So he let his heavy limbs flop down into the armchair in the living room. Dark interior stifling with silence. It suffocated him into an uneasy sleep before he could even contemplate when the bedroom had become "his room."

Jared pulled the car up along the curb and flipped it into park with practiced grace, listening to the soft rev of the engine and the ding of the ignition as it whined for him to dim the headlights. With a steadying breath he turned the keys and let the car go still, sending a glance to the lit up clock. The bright blue LED read 10:37 before dimming grey. Shit. He was late. Actually late was an understatement, Jared had given his word he would be home at 6:00 for dinner, and it was far past 6:00 p.m.

Jared clamored out of the car, unfolding his 6 foot 5 frame from the petite four door before stalking up the sidewalk. He tossed his keys between his palms in a nervous fidget as he got to the door. The interior was dim and the blinds drawn. Jared chewed at his lip before sliding his key into the lock. He eased the door open as silently as he could and cringed at the squeal of the hinges. He’d promised to fix that weeks ago. He entered the dark foyer and clicked the door closed behind him, locking the deadbolt without looking back. As Jared nudged off his jacket the living room lit up a in a warm flood of light. Jared flinched, only partially from the light. A shadow tracked across the floor, growing larger as its owner’s proximity decreased. As Jensen filled up the entrance his face remained shadowed and Jared thanked god for small mercies. He didn’t think he could bear the disappointment and resignation he would find in their green depths. Jensen shuffled into the hallway without lifting his feet in the sleep dredged way that indicated he had fallen asleep waiting for him. Now, backlit by the yellow glow of the den, Jared could see he was still wearing dress pants and his favorite green button down shirt. Probably what he had put on for their dining plans.

“Dinner is in the microwave. You’ll need to heat it up.” His gruff voice was empty and tired. Suddenly the dark floorboards were very interesting to Jared's full head.

“Thanks,” Jared replied quietly, head still hung in shame. Jensen rubbed at his eyes and turned to make his way to their bedroom at the end of the hall. He had an early morning. Jared watched after him for a moment, “Goodnight Jen.”

If Jensen heard him he didn’t give any indication. Jared sighed dejectedly and walked into the kitchen. He swung open the microwave door, a small smile lifting the side of his mouth as he saw the slightly overcooked pasta and tomato sauce. Jensen had never been the best cook, but he was adorable when he tried. He placed the microwave cover over the plate then swung the door closed and set the timer for 2 minutes.

He felt awful for being late, especially since he knew they needed to talk, but he had just been included in an important case. Jensen knew his job required long and unpredictable hours, after all Jensen’s wasn’t exactly a 9 to 5 cubicle job either. Jensen just seemed better at time management. Jared leaned back against the counter, letting it support most of his weight as he tried to ease his locked up muscles. Didn’t Jensen know he’d much rather be sitting on the couch with a cold beer and his boyfriend then hunched over a pile of evidence reports in a conference room?

Jared pushed off the granite counter and gripped the microwave door with one hand while plucking the plate of food out with the other. He loosened the tie drawing a noose around his neck and ate on the island while undoing his shirt cuffs. He dropped the plate into the sink when he was done and rubbed a hand over his drawn features, eyes itching with sleep deprivation. A head ache was building in his temples so he downed two aspirin before brushing his teeth in the hall bathroom. His toothbrush sitting alone beside his deodorant and razor in the solitary room. He had moved them this morning after their argument, in case he had to duck in for them in the dark hours before dawn.

Jared stripped in the hallway to avoid any unnecessary noise before silently slipping into the back bedroom.

“Should I just be happy you came home at all?” Jensen’s voice was steady and slight as Jared entered the bedroom. Jared simply nodded, he didn’t know what to say _I was at work. I’m sorry._ ; Jensen already knew all of that. _I won’t do it again._ They both knew that would be a lie. Jensen just stood there, clad in his pajama bottoms and white cotton t-shirt. He had glasses perched on his nose and his hair was ruffled and free of product, it looked soft and Jared longed to run his fingers through it. A couple years ago he would have without a second thought. Jensen’s green eyes were drawn and dark, his inner turmoil spinning around in their glossy depths.

“I love you.” Jared’s voice cracked as he tried to calm the storm behind Jensen’s serene features. Jensen winced and Jared’s heart shook in his chest.

“I know Jared, I love you too. I love you because that’s all I know, and I will always love you, Jared. I will always love you. I just… I don’t know how much more I can take.” Tears were beginning to track down his freckled cheeks and Jared longed to brush them away and clutch Jensen to his chest, but he was frozen.

“What…what does that mean exactly?” Jared stumbled over his words, heart shuddering with every syllable. Jensen sighed and ran a hand over his tear soaked face, clearing his throat.

“It means that I’m tired. I’m tired of eating dinner alone and going to sleep without anyone beside me. It means we are different people now than when we were in our 20s and ambitious and I don’t know if we fit anymore. It means… it means that it can’t stay like it is now.”

“And if it does stay like it is?”

“I won’t let it.” Jared gaped. Tongue flopping useless in his mouth and oxygen burning like poison in his lungs. “I love you enough to let you go.”

“Let me go and find someone new.” The words were bitter and unfair, but they spewed out like blood from an open would. “Someone like Misha.”

“That’s not fair and you know it.” Jensen looked stunned at the low blow, almost as taken back as Jared that he had let that come out. Jensen set his jaw and Jared’s face fell.

Green and Hazel bore into each other for a strenuous moment. “I can fix this.”

A cold laugh caught in Jensen’s dry throat, “You don’t get it. I don’t need you to fix anything, I just need you to be here so we can fix it, together.”

Jensen didn’t wait for a response, but instead crawled underneath the comforter, face pressed into the downy soft pillow and back to his lover. Jared slipped under the sheets after a hefty moment, and sighed as his muscles finally released against the mattress. His broad shoulder brushed across the tanned skin of Jensen’s back and the bed shifted slightly at taking on his weight. His eyes fluttered closed as he felt the hot body beside him roll away. Jared rutted closer to his boyfriend, tangling cold fingers in the body heat soaked sheets. Hot lips pressed into the tender flesh behind Jensen’s ear. “We’re going to be okay Jen.”

Tears burned the back of Jared’s eyes and he dug his digits into Jensen’s abdominal muscles. Jensen shifted in his grasp, swiveling his upper body and threading long fingers into Jared’s long locks. His lower back smarted with Jared’s firm press and he dragged his body closer until they were chest to chest. Jared rucked up the cotton keeping their flesh apart and shivered as Jensen’s hot stomach stuck to his already sweat shimmering biceps. He pressed his forehead into the newly bared flesh of Jensen’s pectorals and let fear wash over him in waves. Jensen could feel soaked lashes ticking his skin and he pulled Jared in closer, dropping his chin onto the top of Jared’s ruffled mane. His heart strings quivered at Jared’s low murmur, “We have to be okay.” 

 

 


	5. Letting Go

The pair woke up nestled in each other’s grasps, sweaty palms sticking to flush skin from a swaddling of thick blankets and body heat. Perspiration shimmered on the hollow of Jensen’s throat despite his leg poking out of the cover’s confines and into the crisp, open morning air. Jared’s grappling fingers were fierce even in unconsciousness, his subconscious digging deep into Jensen and clinging for dear life. 

Jensen pressed dry lips across Jared’s brow, reveling in the human contact he had been craving for so long. Jared stirred, eyelids flickering and a low groan parting his lips. Large hazel orbs turned up to Jensen, dancing across his features and warming the apples of his cheeks. The startling reverie of a cell phone shattered their moment. Jared rolled away and snatched the item off the bedside table. He reclined against the pillows with one arm bent behind his head, “This is Jared Pada…Yes sir. Y- I’ll be right there.”

He detangled himself from the sheets and sat on the edge of the bed, rolling his neck until it released a reluctant pop. He didn’t dare look back at the inviting scene behind him as he shuffled mournfully into the bathroom and took the toothbrush into his hand. The entire morning regimen was accompanied by a stifling silence until he began to dress quickly and gather his things. Jensen’s soft bellow stalled his movements as he worked the buttons of his shirt, “Work?”

“Yes.” He finished straightening out his dress shirt and laced his belt around his waist. 

“Please be home on time.” _Please pick me._ Jensen’s pleading eyes burned into his boyfriend’s retreating back, at he witnessed the tightening of his shoulders and silent exit Jensen couldn’t help but fell jilted. Like a one night stand jipped of even a forced conversation over runny eggs and dry toast. 

Jensen glared at the alarm clock glowing green in the dawn lit room: 6:03. A groan sprang up his throat as he dragged himself from the downy sheets, rubbing sleep from the corners of his eyes with numb digits. Needles stabbed haphazardly into his left foot as the circulation was renewed and he shook the offending appendage. He stumbled into the bathroom and stripped down before standing under the warm spray of the shower head. Face directly in the hearty streams path in hopes of reviving his consciousness in time to operate a motor vehicle. The spray swept cobwebs from his fuzzy mind as he scrubbed dried sweat from his skin and from his close cropped hair. He shut off the torrent and swung open the glass door to rub at slick flesh with his towel. With the green fabric looped around his hips he sorted through his closet, pinching the Edgar Allen Poe tie between his thumb and forefinger before settling for Robert Frost, and tugging on jeans and a yellow button down. The towel ended up in a heap on the closet floor and Jensen scraped his teeth clean and put in his contacts. He eyed the watch perched on the counter before deciding to forego it.

His wrist felt bare as he boiled a pot of coffee and pieced together a sack lunch, arm weightless and free to juggle his belongings. The steady hum of the coffee maker ceased, signaling that it was brewed and ready. Jensen filled his to go mug to the brim, wincing as the scorching liquid sloshed onto his fingertips while he screwed on the top. He snatched a square of paper towel from the roll by the sink and wiped up the blown fluid. After tossing the soiled paper in the trash he wheeled back to the coffee pot, noticing the cups worth still sitting at the bottom. Jensen swallowed thickly, he must have forgotten to switch the coffee maker to one person. He stared at the remaining liquid for a long moment, pot hanging in his fist uselessly, before tipping it into the sink. Maybe he was over thinking things, it shouldn’t hurt to watch coffee go down the drain. Yet here he was with tears burning the backs of his eyes as he watched Folgers swirl across stainless steel and desperately putting off switching the coffee machine to one person. He snatched up his coffee and briefcase before waltzing to the car. 

His first stop once he arrived at the school was the teacher’s lounge to refuel. A gentle touch startled him from his task and he wheeled around to see Misha leaned against the counter beside him. His dark hair was styled ruefully, and he donned a three piece suit yet again but Jensen took stock of his tweety bird tie with a smile. “I’m getting a sense of Déjà Vu.”

Jensen chuckled riley at the comment, taking a sip of the bitter drink clasped between his palms. The blistering ceramic turned the course skin of his palms pink, his tongue cowering from the heat as it scalded the roof of his mouth. He removed the scorching liquid from his lips and forced his tongue into the cool air outside the confines of his mouth. The mortifying realization that Misha was staring at his antics caused him to nearly bite it off as he sucked his tongue back into his mouth muttering softly, “It’s hot.”

Misha laughed boldly and relocated to the other side of Jensen, shoulders brushing minutely, as he retrieved ice from the freezer and offered it up. Jensen took the frozen submission gratefully and plopped it into his mug. “I hope your injuries aren’t lethal.”

“Afraid so, guess you’ll be taking my classes today.” Jensen jabbed playfully, “You get to practice thesis statements.”

“I’d rather take my chances with the hot coffee.” Misha atoned dryly, eyes widened in terror before his features broke into a smirk. His blue gazed roamed his watch, “I should be getting to class, I have test make ups to administer.”

“Don’t have too much fun!” Jensen called after him, happiness tilting his lips for the first time in two days. He guardedly tested the temperature of the caffeinated fluid in his cup before taking in a large gulp and heading towards his classroom. 

The day moved by slowly filled with butchered grammar and repeated themes, a stress headache had already built in his temples by the time he arrived back home. He dumped the stack of thesis statements on the coffee table before retrieving a glass of water from the kitchen. It took him three hours to wade through the assignment and enter all of the grades into the gradebook. He powered down his tablet and carried his empty glass into the kitchen, checking the oven clock: 8:27.

For a split moment sadness welled up in Jensen’s chest, a wave of overwhelming abandonment and loneliness sweeping his legs out from under his body. But the pain soon gave way to a tidal wave of rage. He was tired of being sad. Tired of feeling like he wasn’t enough. Tired of being let down again and again. Fuck Jared for making him feel this way.

He stared at the empty dining room and his nostrils flared. He couldn’t even count the number of nights he had sat alone at that table with his phone sitting open beside him. How many calls had Jared ignored? How many nights had he chosen money over him? How much was Jensen supposed to take laying down?

He retrieved his phone from his denim pocket and scrolled through the contacts before stalling over the one he was looking for, he pressed call and waited for a response. “Hello?”

The deep voice that greeted him caused butterflies to tickle the lining of his stomach, “Want to come over?”

There was a short stall in the answer, and Jensen was washed in a sense of worry at the thought of being rejected. He suddenly regretted calling at all, he didn’t even know what he hoped to gain from it. His mouth puckered to back pedal when the reply came over the speaker. “I’d love to.”

Jensen hung up without another word. Guilt and excitement churned in his gut as he appreciated what he was in the middle of doing. He couldn’t honestly say what he hoped would happen, small talk, deep conversations on existence, just an acknowledgment of his general existence, all he knew is that he needed to not be sober. He seized the half empty bottle of scotch from the top of the refrigerator and poured himself a hefty glass. The alcohol branded the back of his throat and settled warm in his belly, easing some of the tension from his cramping brain. 

The empty confines of this house, of this life, were closing in on him. Misha just looked like an open doorway. When he was with him, he didn’t feel trapped in this loneliness that had been built up around him. Slowly pressing the air from his lungs with every dashed hope and clipped call. He didn’t want to feel like an impediment. Like an anchor looped around Jared’s neck, dragging him down into a suburban hell. He wanted to be a partner again. The shoulder to cry on, the much needed break, the waiting arms, he wanted to be those things but he couldn’t only be those things. He had been eagerly giving away anything Jared asked, and had been gifted nothing but steel and silver in return. He felt empty. He felt used. He felt angry. White hot, bourbon chugging, angry.

The doorbell rang.

Jensen went to the entry on unsteady feet and hauled the door open to reveal the man on his step. Misha was swathed in a hoodie and light wash jeans that were nearly rubbed threadbare at the knees. Muffled with alcohol and bursting with passion Jensen dragged him inside the doorway and crashed his mouth onto his. The smashing of teeth painfully clacked their enamel and pinched their lips. Misha sucked in a hurried breath through his nose before deliberately cupping the back of Jensen’s neck and pulling him in closer. He eased his lips away enough to slip his tongue in Jensen’s mouth and Jensen eagerly accepted, ensnarling his fingers into Misha’s dark locks. The stumbled further into the entryway before crashing into a wall. Misha pressed Jensen into the plaster and gripped his ass with his other hand. Jensen coiled his legs around Misha’s narrow waist, leaning back into the wall to take most of his weight. Misha pressed in closer, chests flush as he dropped his other hand to support the man wrapped around him. His mouth was bitter with alcohol but his lips were soft and inviting, teeth running carelessly across Misha’s bottom lip before he dove back forward with an open mouth. Misha pressed Jensen more firmly into the wall in order to use one hand to ruck up his dress shirt and slip a hand up onto the bare skin of his ribs. His slender fingers ticked over the delicate bones and danced across the rippling muscles. Jensen moaned into his mouth and ground his hips forward. Something hot and wet truckled across Misha’s cheek and he pulled back in confusion to see that Jensen was crying.

He desperately drove himself forward at the lost connection, brushing swollen lips to the edge of Misha’s mouth, “We shouldn’t do this, not while you’re in this state.”

“Please…” The broken whisper evacuated Jensen’s pursed lips and caused a swoop of pity to dash at his libido. Lily white fingertips trailed across Jensen’s sharp cheekbone, dipping through the watery streams. 

“God Jen, are you okay?” Jensen’s limbs dropped back to the ground and his fingernails scratched at Misha’s scalp nervously. The slight tremor in his kiss swollen lips was the only indication Misha got before Jensen crumbled to the ground. Misha slowed his descent and tenderly took him in to his embrace. Jensen pressed his sticky face against Misha’s chest, the fabric quickly soaking through with tears. His entire body shook with silent sobs and all Misha could think to do was tuck his writhing body in close and run a soothing hand across his spine rhythmically. He waited out the painful shakes, rocking back and forth sluggishly. His cheek pressed into Jensen’s soft blond hair, blue eyes sealed to focus solely on the reducing hiccups in Jensen’s breathing.

“I don’t know what I’m doing.” The voice was raw and choked, muffled by the thick cloth covering Misha’s chest. Misha continued to stroke his hand along his vertebra. 

“You have bewitched me body and soul.” Jensen stilled in his arms, craning his neck to look Misha in the eye. A spark on interest glinted across the green iris staring up at him.

“Did you just quote ‘Pride and Prejudice’?” Misha smiled devilishly with a row of white teeth.

“It is your favorite.” Jensen sucked his lips into his mouth, the skin around them turning white as excess air was forced from his nostrils. His shoulders began to stifle a few tremors before finally a jubilant cackle broke free. Jensen threw back his head carelessly and laughed with his entire fatigued and overworked body. Fresh tears springing to his eyes with the force. He wiped at the dripping trails on his eyelids and pulled away from Misha’s hold, not witnessing the flicker of longing across Misha’s face as he lost contact.

They sat in silence for several long moments as Jensen composed his features and restored his psyche. “Misha I…”

“Don’t worry about it.” The tone was forced and clearly painful as Misha extracted himself from the grouped position and stood surely. He straightened his clothing, granting his companion a sad smile.

“Misha…” Jensen drew himself to his feet and wavered.

“Really Jensen, it’s okay.” Jensen eyed the drawn expression on his face with unrelenting eye contact before Misha cleared his throat noisily, “I should go.”

Misha left without a backwards glance, shoulder bowed forward in defeat. His entire posture deflated. He pulled the door shut inaudibly behind him. Jensen didn’t stop him. He waited till the door was fully closed before daring to take a step. His gate was unsteady as he bumbled towards the doorway and bolted it. Hand braced on the doorframe and eyes stuck on the copper colored knob. After a moment he turned away and stumbled toward the bedroom. He toed off his shoes in the hallway, sliding on socketed feet into the bathroom and cramming a toothbrush into his mouth. He scrubbed his tongue until it was raw and remained valiant in avoiding eye contact with the reflection opposite him. He cupped cold water in hands and splashed it across his somber features, drawing the heat from his cheeks and itch from his eyes. Then retreating to the bedroom to fall heavily onto the mattress and await his judgment. 

Within a half hour his ears prickled at the grating of a key in the deadbolt.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am sooooooo sorry it took me so long to update.
> 
> I am so grateful for the dedicated people who keep coming back and commenting despite my tardiness. I hope it was worth the wait!


	6. Chapter 6

Jared barreled through the door with pride rich in his lungs. Dropping his briefcase at the table and striding eagerly to the bedroom to find his boyfriend. He deflated momentarily at the weary stare Jensen met him with, but it only reinvigorated his enthusiasm when he pictured replacing that expression. He strode to the bed, tripping over a pair of dress shoes in his excitement. A scowl took over his features for the duration of kicking the articles away from his bulky feet. “Jay…”

“Look I know I’m late, but just hear me out.” The mattress dipped as Jared took a seat beside Jensen, palming his hands and nestling them securely in his grasp, “I had a meeting with my boss.”

Jensen appraised him with unease, trepidation painting his features and mouth set grimly. Words barreled into his sealed lips, confessions and pleas whirring inside his treacherous mouth, but he remained silent until Jared continued. “I told him no more late nights. That I work my hours and then I have to leave. She didn’t seem very pleased but she at least conceded.”

Jared paused with rapt anticipation for Jensen to respond, roving the bleak expression overtaking his lover. “Jen this is good for us, no more long nights at the office. I’ll be home for dinner, we can go on trips, we can be us again.”

A smile broke across his lips and Jensen encircled Jared with his solid embrace. Joyous tears leaked across his freckled cheeks as Jared tugged him into his lap and returned the sturdy hold. Relief crawled across Jensen’s fevered mind and he hunkered down into Jared’s familiar scent. He finally felt at ease. All of his earlier words were wiped clear from his tongue and instead he kissed sloppily at Jared’s cheek. Jared held him back steadfast and pressed his cheek against the dirty blonde hair at Jensen’s temple. The short spikes tickled and were soft to the touch, his entire body a warm familiar weight. Jensen breathed the moment fully in, wanting to bask in this new opportunity to fall back in like with each other. “You promise?”

Jared pulled back slightly, coy smile tugging his lips and stared right into Jensen’s blown pupils. “I promise Jen.”

So caught in his reverie Jensen didn’t hear the door until Jared beckoned him, “Somebody’s at the door.”

“I got it.” Clipped response overtaking Jensen automatically. Jared beamed easily at the enthusiastic response, digging blunt nails into Jensen’s assets and growling lowly making his intentions clear _Get rid of them fast_ Jensen unwillingly excavated himself from Jared’s grasp, dropping a peck to Jared’s wide mouth, and raced towards the front door. The exhilaration sparking every nerve dulled as he threw open the door to see Misha dancing from foot to foot nervously. “You can’t be here.”

Jensen moved to seal the doorway but was hindered by the thrusting of a well-placed hand into the middle of the door jamb. He lugged the wood flush to his body in an attempt to close off the rest of the room. Misha sagged tiredly, “I know I shouldn’t be here but I…”

“You don’t understand. You need to leave. Now!” Jensen strained between clenched teeth. Jensen glanced back over his shoulder into the still empty hallway before taking in the shorter man before him. His black hair was mussed messily, clumped at the sides like he’d gripped it in tight fists. His blue eyes were bloodshot and darted to and from Jensen’s face. It made Jensen feel sick with himself. “I’m sorry for earlier, but it didn’t mean anything, I was just being emotional, I wasn’t thinking.”

“It’s more than that and you know it. I have a crush on you of romantic fiction proportion, and I know you feel something too.” Misha illuminated pleadingly.

“You don’t even know me, not the real me, all you know is the worst part of me. The desperate, un loyal, asshole part of me and how the fuck could you want that?” The bitter statement left a stale taste in Jensen’s mouth, the truth of it scratching at his subconscious.

“I want to know you Jensen, all of you, even the ugly parts.” Misha explained imploringly. Jensen shook his head reverently, unable to comprehend. Maybe if they had met in another life, at another time, maybe then Misha would have been the love of his life. But here in this life, he was just a fix. Something to sooth the itch in his veins and fill the pit in his stomach until Jared came home to him. It wasn’t fair, it wasn’t right, it was just reality. 

“I’m sorry.” _for so much._

Abruptly the door was manhandled from his grasp as Jared looped a tanned arm around his waist and leaned out into the night to inspect their visitor, “Who’s this?”

“Mi-Misha,” The name shook across in his throat as he swallowed convulsively, praying for this meeting to end without casualties. Misha lengthened his spine and smirked menacingly.

“You must be Jared.” Jensen could feel the deliberate nod above his right shoulder and tightening across his abdomen where Jared’s arm rested. Misha’s hands swung free from his pockets, teeth grinding under the pressure of his jaw, “I think we need to talk about how you treat your ‘boyfriend’.”

“Exactly who the hell do you think you are?” Jared spat back, drawing up to his full intimidating height and pressing flush to Jensen’s back. Misha stepped forward threateningly and Jensen's gaze hopped back and forth trying to examine the nightmare before him.

“He’s just a friend from work.” Jensen interceded, bracing a forearm on the door frame in order to leverage Jared back into the house with his body weight. A flicker of pain twitched at Misha’s features but he didn’t deny Jensen’s assessment.

“A concerned friend.” The sharp retort bracketed Jared’s brain as he assimilated to the situation. Jensen could feel the bunching of Jared’s pectorals and the clenching of his fist across his stomach. This needed to end before someone came away with a bloody nose.

“Misha you need to leave.” The declaration hung in the open air, both Misha and Jared refusing to break eye contact first. Jensen flared his nostrils angrily and set his shoulder back, “Go!”

The commanding exclamation cause Misha to falter, hurt gaze peering at Jensen. But Jensen gave no apologies or reconciliation, simply set his jaw and waited. His stomach churned with self-deprecation as Misha stumbled back from the porch, this was all his fault. He slammed the door securely, knocking his forehead into the wood and filling his lungs with precious oxygen. Jared extracted himself from Jensen’s torso and wandered into the living room, rubbing at his mouth in thought. “What was that?”

Jensen rubbed at his pounding temples and followed Jared’s retreating form, “It’s nothing, just a guy…”

“No Jen, that isn’t just a ‘friend’. A ‘friend’ doesn’t show up in the middle of the damn night and tirade your boyfriend. So tell me, who is he?” The false calm in his tone caused a shiver to rack up Jensen’s neck. He pressed deliberate fingers at his temples to dull the throbbing and breathed heavily. Jared took a halting step forward, “Do you… like him?”

“I don’t know.” Jensen conceded with a sigh, striding towards the kitchen with an unexpectedly dry mouth. He snatched a glass from the cabinet and filled it with tap water, gulping the cool refreshment greedily.

“Has he been here before?” Jensen leaned onto the granite counter, blunt fingertips pressing against the cool rock. He set the empty glass down and the hollow clatter echoed across the tense air. Jared could see the tight line of his shoulders from across the kitchen. “Has he been here? In our home?”

“Yes Jared, I can have friends over. I’m not on fucking house arrest.” Jensen spat back, mind whirring between defense and offense. He turned around, green eyes briefly meeting Jared’s gaze before he settled his stare on the floor. Head hanging low and cheeks hot under the scrutiny. “I can have friends you know, some people do enjoy my comp-“

“Did you kiss him?” Jared continued his questioning from the kitchen doorway. Jensen sat back against the granite and braced his arms on either side of his body. He met Jared’s insistent scrutiny with vacant eyes and replied dryly, “Yes.”

Jared sucked in a hefty breath through his nostrils and faltered unsteadily towards the island in the middle of the room, using the structure for support as he processed. After an elongated pause he looked up with a hollow expression. “Did you fuck him?”

“No!” Jensen atoned immediately, taken aback by the blunt inquiry. He squirmed uncomfortably as Jared sauntered around the granite slab and came to a stand-still directly in front of him, effectively trapping him against the counter. Jared leaned in and braced his arms against Jensen’s hips, face impassive but eyes squinting in a constant state of dissection.

“Did you want to?” Jensen pressed into the stone at his back, trying to put space between them but there was nowhere to go. He chewed ravenously at his bottom lip, keeping his eye line below his lashes as he prepared himself to answer. He stared directly in Jared’s heated hazel eyes as he replied with lax lips, “Yes.”

Jared jerked back like he had been burnt by the answer. He raked a hand through his messy mop of hair and put as much distance as he could between them, pacing across to the other side of the room and balling his fists at his side. His nails cut silvery crescents into the delicate skin of his palm, knuckles white and stretched against thin skin. Jensen stepped carefully towards his seething form, unsure and faltering as he cautiously reached out, finger tips barely brushing Jared’s shoulder blade before he wheeled around, “Don’t touch me.”

Jensen reeled back, pulled his rejected arm against his sternum, eyes startled and blinking owlishly. “I understand that you’re upset- “

A harsh bark of laughter peeled at Jensen’s skin and he hunkered in on himself as Jared loomed over him, “Upset? Upset! I’m fucking livid Jensen! You fucking cheated on me!”

“Well it’s kind of hard to cheat on someone who’s never here!” 

“Is that your logic? Make you feel better to blame me for having your dick up someone else’s ass?”

“Like you’d even know where I’ve been the last year, let alone my cock!”

“I’m sorry for trying to provide for you!”

“Provide for me? Get your head out of your ass Jared, you just wanted an excuse to escape!”

“That’s rich coming from you.”

“Greedy asshole!”

“Fucking whore!” Jared’s head snapped sharply to the side, pink hand print blooming amongst the dark stubble along his jaw. He brought clumsy fingers to the stinging flesh and took in his assailant. Jensen was staring blankly at his open hand like it was offensive, still processing the flustered moment. His pink lips parted to speak, big green eyes innocently blinking into focus. Jared didn’t wait for a reply. He reeled around and rushed to the bedroom bringing down the duffle from the top of the closet and cramming in clothes as he stalked across the floor. Jensen caught up to him in the bathroom, sliding in behind his partner as he tossed in his toothbrush and razor.

“I’m so sorry, I didn’t- “ Jared reared back, shoving Jensen off with one broad shoulder sending the smaller man crashing into the wall. His skull bounced off the chrome towel rack, bringing a wince to his features. He waited for Jared to reach out as he slid against the wall, but his balled hands remained cemented to his sides.

Jared stared at the scene, at what they were becoming. The betrayal was fresh and slick on his mind, coating his senses and perception. Resentment rose up in his esophagus like acid, the acrid taste causing his eyes to water. He glowered at the man in front of him, images of his forbidden escapades dancing before his eyes like lightning flashes. Jensen’s tanned fingers knotted in black stalks of hair. His teeth nipping at pale tender flesh down some other man’s chest. His groan of pleasure wrapping around someone else’s name. Each image a stinging strike to his tremoring heart. 

“Don’t touch me.” Jared withdrew from the small space, duffel clenched in one paw. Jensen brought a tentative hand to the back of his aching cranium and cringed at the sticky residue his fingers met. Over his shoulder a smear of red contrasted the crème white wall, Jensen cupped the wound and pursued Jared. Before a word could jump his lips Jared fixed him with burning eyes, “Don’t. Just don’t.”

And when Jared stalked from the bedroom with a black duffel swung over one shoulder Jensen didn’t follow. He stood in the middle of the carpet, crimson languidly leaking down from the base of his skull and soaking into the collar of his shirt. Transforming the powder blue cloth into rusty purple. Listening to the heavy booted steps grow softer until the retort of a slamming door signaled their ceasing. Jensen breathed heavily in the sudden quiet, completely still.

He let Jared go.


	7. Chapter 7

The hotel walls were papered with diagonal maroon stripes, off white carpet casing the floor still flattened by a recent vacuuming. The comforter was plush and the pillows fluffed with downy feathers. Balanced on the edge of the queen sized bed, Jared surveyed the lavish room with his hands clasped between his knees. His duffel sat unopened at the foot of the bed along with his discarded suit jacket. Air conditioned air dried the sweat on the back of his neck and prickled goose bumps across both bared forearms. He ran a rough hand over his tired features and laid back across the bedspread. He stared blankly at the popcorn ceiling valiantly attempting to keep his mind clear. Thinking only hurt.

His right pants pocket began to vibrate and Jared snatched his phone out, glaring at the lit up screen. _Jensen Ackles_ He continued to glare at the display until the vibrating stopped and it flickered to black. Tossing the phone on the side table with a clatter Jared pulled himself into a seated position and stretched his arm out towards his duffel. Prying the stubborn zipper down and rummaging around for a pair of grey sweatpants and a navy t shirt. 

This wasn’t the life he had been fighting for. A life lonely in a strange place, obliterated by the only person he wanted to talk to. It had been over half a decade since he’d dealt with anything without Jensen. Jensen knew him better than anyone else in the world, but right now he felt like he hadn’t known Jensen at all. The Jensen he knew, the Jensen he was in love with would never have cheated on him. He didn’t know what terrified him more, the notion he had built a life with a stranger or thinking that this was all his fault. That he had turned the man he adored into this. That he had dragged him down that low. 

He had two options: hate Jensen Ackles or hate himself. He didn’t know which would hurt less.

His ungainly digits stumbled over a smooth rectangle. Jared pinched the object between his fingers and slipped it free, coming up with a folded piece of paper. Concentrated frown adoring his features Jared unfolded the neatly pressed sheet and took in the neat print scrawled across the page. ‘Don’t forget to pick up milk and tomato sauce! Love, Jensen’ He pin wheeled backwards, kicking the bag out of sight and sheltering his face with his hands. Jensen must have slipped that into his bag weeks ago and it had been lost in its depths. The tears burst forth in a torrential downfall. Salt water dripping off the tip of his nose and squelching through his clasped fingers. Splotches bloomed from his squinted eyes and painted the valley by his cheekbone. In the midst of the sobs wracking his upper body he swore he could almost feel a ghostly touch of Jensen’s hand. Distant but warm and firm, always followed by the scrape of metal wrapped around his wrist. He could never hate that touch. The sure strong fingers and blunt nails that gripped his bicep during B rated horror movies, and stroked along his spine as he drifted into unconsciousness.

He dove in love head first, not even realizing he hadn’t come up for air since the first coffee date. Now he sputtering up brackish water and was barely treading water.

God, couldn’t they do anything in this relationship half assed?

 

Jensen gazed forlornly at the piece of technology mockingly propped in his palm. It had long sense ceased its ringing but he couldn’t put it down. Naively wishing that Jared would see his missed call and dial back, trying to lift the crushing weight of reality straining his neck down low. His breath stuck in his chest as he breathed, light headed and dizzy no matter how deeply he sucked in oxygen. The phone vibrated a split second before the screen lit up. Heart in his throat Jensen’s thumb flinched over the lower left corner in anticipation. Misha Collins. 

He palmed the phone gently, nipping his lower lip between sharp teeth. He pressed the green button and pressed it to his ear.

“Jensen?” The soft tone filtered over the speaker timidly, whispery soft and slightly garbled. Probably from Misha’s lips brushing the mouth piece. Jensen could almost feel his damp breath in the desperate word. The shakiness of his voice rippling over his pulse point. He wanted to scream. To curse profanities until Misha felt as beaten as he did. But from the soft call of his name Jensen doubted it would take much to deflate him to Jensen’s level. He wanted to grow hoarse from raving and whining his pain, but he couldn’t dislodge the words wedged in his throat. He wet his lips with the dart of his pink tongue. “Jensen?”

“Yes.” The answer felt peculiar in his mouth, somehow vague and distant in his own overworking brain. There was a soft sigh over the line.

“Did I- is everything okay there?”

“No.” Nothing was even remotely ‘okay’. Jensen had just lost the man he loved and he had nobody to blame but his own selfish desires. “Jared left.”

“Are you okay?” A bark of laughter jumped Jensen’s mouth, startling the both of them, “Got it, stupid question.”

“Yeah.” Jensen breathed into the phone. There was a long drawn out silence, both struggling to find words that encompassed even half of what they felt. If they even knew what they felt. Misha had scratched an itch deep in Jensen’s soul, but he wasn’t a cure. Jensen batted dry eyes and rubbed at his aching neck. “I’d always love him more.”

“Probably.” The answer was swift and deliberately calm.

“You could live that way? Knowing that no matter what you did, or how we bonded, you wouldn’t be the first person I thought of when I went to bed at night or woke up in the morning.” The reasoning was harsh but cut like the truth. Jensen could imagine the sting of the words registering in Misha’s silence. Fresh tang of the truth washing out his cotton mouth. His lips twitched,

After a prolonged pause Misha’s deep drawl droned, “You could grow to love me?” 

“Probably.”

“Then I could live like that.” Jensen’s head bobbed, rubbing his thumb along his inner forearm thoughtfully. If love wasn’t passionate, exuberant, and all consuming… what was the point? Jared had always seemed to understand that on some level. They fought like dogs, loved like newly-weds, and even went full force in their absences. Nothing in their relationship was half assed, even their stingingly recent fall out. 

“I’m sorry for that.” And he was, “I’m just a mistake.”

“You were a choice.” Misha rebutted instantly, and Jensen winced at the sincerity. Misha was a good man and he deserved to be loved. Totally, completely loved. Jensen would never give that to him, he hadn’t owned his heart in six years.

“One you’ll regret.”

“No. You only regret the choices you never make.”

“Goodbye Misha.” Jensen didn’t wait for a reply before disconnecting the call and tossing the phone to his side. His heavy head dropped into the cradle of his hands, he felt like crying. Purging all of the sadness welling up inside of him but he couldn’t. He couldn’t let the pain go, if it felt severe enough he could almost imagine no time had gone by. That Jared had just walked out the door to gather his thoughts; he could walk back in any minute.

Jensen itched for a task, a distraction from the whirring in his mind. He scratched at the itch at the base of his skull and winced when it reopened his forgotten wound. He brought his hand to his face and stared forlorn at the flakey red compressed inside his finger nail. Funny. His head didn’t even hurt compared to twinge in his chest. He scratched at the wound again, torn flesh pulling and blood pooling in his nail beds. It felt right somehow. There had to be some visible wound to back up the agony writhing under his skin. His fingers wandered lower to his shirt collar, catching on the semi-circle stiff with plasma. Standing shakily he fumbled with his hem and lifted the material over his head, balling the material between his palms and walking into the laundry room. He snatched up the bottle of Shout and sprayed at the red patch, watching the clear liquid froth write and soak into the fabric. 

Numbly he took stalk of the bloody smudges his fingertips left behind. Striding surely Jensen moved back into the bedroom and through to the bathroom. He flipped on the warm water, pumping a few dollops of Softsoap into his hands and thrusting them beneath the liquid. The sweet aroma of pomegranate coming from his bubbling hands made his nose twitch and stomach clench. He left his hands there until the water ran pink and the tap had turned scalding before turning off the faucet. Riding on instinct he swiveled for a towel, green eyes catching on the bloody smear across the wallpaper. If he didn’t get that off before it set, that stain would never come off.

Jensen opened the cabinet beneath the sink and plucked a scrub brush and bucket from the back. While the bucket slowly filled with water from the tap Jensen glared into the dark confines below in search of Pinesol but came up empty, instead his eyes caught on the silver watch on the counter. He dropped the cold metal into his palm, the familiar weight causing heat to prickle at the backs of his eyeballs. He balanced the face on his thigh and nimbly connected the chain-link around his wrist.

The slosh of water against porcelain reminded Jensen of his reason for standing in the bathroom and he jolted into motion twisting the tap and tipping the overfilling bucket to a reasonable amount. He squeezed a dollop of hand soap into the warm water watching suds rise to the brim and dropping in the bristle brush. He hefted the bucket and lowered it to the tile, shifting the rug to the side with his foot. He dropped his hand into the foamy liquid and grasped the scrub brush aligning it with the tarnished wall and began scrubbing. He ran the bristles back and forth until his shoulder ached and streams of water were dribbling down the wall and pooling by his knees. Pulling back the scrubber he frowned at the stubborn stain. He pushed into the wall with both arms, biceps straining and lip caught between his teeth. He just wanted the stain to be gone, like nothing had ever been there. Like nothing had happened. If he couldn’t even fix the damn wall how could… He dropped the brush, face flush and temples aching.

In very un Jensen fashion he left the mess of water and lather on the floor and tripped into the bedroom, dropping down onto the mattress. He swiveled on the bed spread, clutching a pillow to his broad chest with his face upturned towards the doorway. Ears perked for the sound of thudding feet and eyes peeled for the hallway light, he waited expectantly. Stewing in his agony. Shadows grew along the walls, clawing their way towards the ceiling. Jensen’s shoulders sagged, upper body bowing inward and feet losing circulation tucked under his knobby knees. The air steadily grew cooler the longer the sun remained absent, but Jensen never reached towards the comforter an arm’s length. Jared could walk back in any minute.

They would yell in each other’s faces until there was only exhaustion left. Then dripping in sweat and regret they would fall into bed together, wrapped in each other’s familiar scent because at least that never changed. Crying long into the dawn hours, with shaky limbs they would hold on for dear life. It would be messy, everything in their relationship was, but it would be a start. 

Any minute now.

Jared could walk back in any minute.


	8. Chapter 8

When Jared’s mother died he was a mess. He drank too much, ate too little, and didn’t sleep at all. At night he would sit in the living room blankly staring out into the open air, one hand loosely wrapped around a glass of whiskey and the other limp in his lap. Palm upturned and waiting to be touched, to be pulled up out of this depressing abyss he found himself in. He didn’t cry after the funeral, but the backs of his eyes itched like he hadn’t stopped. His hair was a greasy lank mess plastered to his skull and sticking to the tops of his ears. It felt like he had been punched in the gut, the air knocked from his sails, and hadn’t caught his breath for a week. If he had been able to process anything other than the fact that his mother was buried six feet under, he might have worried about joining her at the rate he was going. Then Jensen saved him.

With gentle, capable hands Jensen detached the glass sweating against his sweaty palm and slid it onto the side table. He hooked thick biceps under Jared’s armpits and shrugged him out of the armchair with a grunt, taking the brunt of Jared’s considerable weight. He didn’t say a word, not when he maneuvered the larger man out of his soiled t shirt, not when he yanked off stiff denim inch by inch, not even when he had slid off Jared’s boxers; leaving him a shivering mess in the middle of the bedspread. Jared’s sure he looked pitiful. A 6 foot 4 child, blinking naively at a man only four years his senior like a care giver. But Jensen just smiled forlornly and looped one of Jared’s long limbs across his shoulders to drag him towards the bathroom on rubber legs.

He filled a bath with warm water and scrubbed Jared clean with a washrag. Slipping the warm rag up and down Jared’s slick flesh without any sexual innuendo. He cupped a hand under Jared’s chin to tip his head back as he wrung soapy water through Jared’s hair. It reminded of Jared of when he was a boy. Just scrawny shoulders and big ears that stuck out from the sides of his little skull, waiting to be grown into. His mother-

By the time he realized it was tears flowing down his cheeks and not bath water he was already raddled his sobs. Air caught in his throat and snot bubbling at his nose. He felt strong arms wrap around his shaking shoulders, we skin dampening the edges of Jensen’s t shirt. Jared dragged him in close, dragging the other man in with desperate, bubbling fingers. Needing to be consumed by something other than his grief. Jensen followed willingly, climbing into the water fully clothed without a second thought. The small space could barely contain the two grown men, it was cramped and sticky with steam and hot breath. Jensen’s soaked denim irritated Jared’s bare skin but he scrambled closer anyway. In the end he was practically sitting in Jensen’s lap, leaning back into Jensen’s broad chest, letting him take the brunt of Jared’s tremors. Jensen ran his fingers through his hair and hummed softly but still, he didn’t say a word. And he never asked for Jared to either.

And now Jared didn’t think he could do the same. 

Jared Padalecki was utterly and completely lost. He knew how he felt, like his right aorta had been mangled and only half his heart was pumping in his battered chest. He felt like his lungs were collapsed and full to bursting all in the same breath and he didn’t know whether to choke in air and wail. He felt like every road map and agenda he had ever sketched were ripped to shreds and about as useful as kindling. He felt utterly and completely lost. So he did what always did when Jensen wasn’t an option, he called his best friend Chad.

“Sup bitch?” The chipper greeting brought a welcome reprieve to Jared’s stewing. He cradled the phone between his ear and shoulder and repositioned himself against the head board.

“I don’t know what to do.” The plea floated on a whiney note, Jared was sure it matched blood shot eyes and puckered lip well.

“Chug a cold one and let me drag you to this strip club where everyone is required to wear body glitter. I know the tits aren’t really your thing but you like glitter, right? You wore a shit ton on Halloween.” His friend’s incessant babble, while comforting, did little to guide him. So he cut straight to the elephant in the room.

“Jensen cheated on me.” The admission felt heavy on his long, it hit his own ears like a freight train to hear those words out in the open. His lungs felt open and his heart felt like it wasn’t beating at all. Jared just felt like his body couldn’t win.

“Are you fucking joking? What the hell happened?” Chad burst forth after a steady beat. Jared assumed it was less to craft his words and more to figure out if this was some prank. Jared hadn’t seen it coming either, how was Chad supposed to?

“Some guy at his work, he came by the house tonight.” Jared scrubbed a hand over his eyes, pointer finger and thumb massaging at his temples as he tried to speak the words without conjuring an image.

“He came to your fucking house? How big were his balls? Jesus. Well what happened when he was there? Did Jensen admit it? Did you beat him to hell? Cause you know I’ll help you hide a body.” Chad rambled on into Jared’s ear, not once pausing for breath. 

“No body hiding needed, he wasn’t there long. But I’m not stupid, I mean I knew something was up so I confronted Jensen. He told me that they only kissed, spouted off some bull at me not spending enough time with him.” Jared waited for a quippy retort to come back over the line, but all he could hear was the shift of fabric. “Chad, you there?”

“Yeah it’s just… you know I’m not saying what Jensen did wasn’t shitty but honestly, you haven’t really been going out of your way to spend any time with him. Kind of the opposite.” Jared’s snatched up the phone and pressed it more firmly to his ear, ramrod straight against the wooden bed frame.

“What the hell do you mean by that?” a blush brimmed on Jared’s cheekbones, shocked that anything other than ‘woe is me’ was accosting him.

“Well, you’ve kind of been avoiding him. Asking for a bigger work load, taking on overtime, hell you’ve been out to the bar with me more than you’ve been home for dinner the past month.” Chad explained breathily, never one to spare Jared’s feelings.

“Okay, so I haven’t been home much, that’s not the same as inviting him to stick his tongue down another guy’s throat!” Jared prattled back defensively, the downy hairs at the back of his neck prickling.

“I know dude! I still think Jensen was an asshole, I just kind of think you’ve been a bit of an asshole too…” Chad’s bright tone trailed off, words becoming garbled inside his closed mouth as he lightly scolded his close comrade. 

“Oh fuck you! He was unfaithful! You think a couple of missed dinner dates makes that okay?”

“No I just… I get where he might of started to feel lonely.” The words knocked the wind right out of Jared’s sail. He deflated, shoulders hunching in and neck bowing. “I think there’s always someone in relationships who needs the other person just a little bit more. And maybe Jensen needed more from you than you even thought about giving.”

“Maybe you’re right.” Jared admitted quietly, the image of Jensen’s face popping into his mind. Eyes glossy with unshed tears and face flush as he pleaded with Jared to just hear him out.

“Course I’m fucking right, I’m a fucking relationship guru.”

“Oh fuck off, you’re longest relationship is 3 weeks and she was out of the country for two of them.” Jared laughed low and haughtily, it felt like a nice to laugh and loosen up all the emotion clogging his airways.

“Yeah, but we made long distance work for those two weeks.” Chad griped back, humming out a low chuckle that tapered into a comfortable repore before continuing softly, “Listen, if you need a place to stay while you work this shit out, or don’t work this shit out, just know my door is open.”

“Don’t get sappy on me now.” Jared jibbed, grin coming easily to his lips, “but really, thanks man.”

“Yeah, yeah, you know where I am if you need me.”

“Thanks man, bye.” Jared pressed end call and tossed the phone beside him, letting his head fall back and knock against the top of the headboard. The sharp edge bit into the base off his skill but he didn’t really mind, simply shutting his eyes against the filmy hotel lighting. 

Chad was right, this was partly Jared’s fault. He hadn’t treated Jensen like he deserved for a while now. But even with the guilt rolling in his stomach it didn’t compete with the nausea that accosted him every time he envisioned that other man’s hand on Jensen’s body. His finger pads trailing a hot path down Jensen’s spine as he sucked at his plump lower lip and pressed against his firm pecs. Finger prints, that weren’t his, bruising the base of Jensen’s neck as their tongues thrashed sloppily. Jared groaned and rolled onto his side, feeling his gut cramp at the imagery. Even if he could muster up the morality to forgive Jensen, he didn’t think he could ever forget. The shrill notes of his ringtone filled the air and Jared resisted the urge to roll over and see who it was. He was pretty sure he knew, and he wished he was a big enough man to answer.

He’d been pushing Jensen away for so long, maybe this was inevitable. Maybe he had been waiting for some excuse to finally cut ties and run without feeling like a bastard for leaving the perfect man in his dust. He just wished he understood why. He loved Jensen, had since their first date. He could still see him, all shy smiles and snark. He wore a pale green t shirt that lit up the flecks of gold in his eyes and stretched taunt across his biceps. The steam from his dark roast coffee made his cheeks pink, highlighting the freckles that smattered his nose. Jared had never seen anyone or anything so undeniably beautiful and so completely unaware of it. Distracted by this magnificent creature Jared, all bumbling hands and puppy reflexes, had dropped his frothy mug across his own lap and sat dumfounded drenched in hazelnut latte and embarrassment. Jensen didn’t laugh, didn’t even chuckle, he instead inserted dryly “Oh good, now no one will notice I had lettuce in my teeth.” Right then and there Jared went tumbling head over heels.

 

The heavy ball of resentment digging crushing his ribs gave him reason enough to flop over onto his other side and check his phone when he heard the beep announcing a text message. He stared at Jensen’s contact photo. At the slight creases now sprouting from his forest green eyes. At the paler shade of his freckles from having been out of the sun. At the layer of auburn stubble he now sported along his defined jaw. God, he was still just as beautiful. 

But Jared blinked and all he could see was blue eyes and dark hair, foreign hands pawing at the man he loved. That warm blossom that usually accompanied the thought of Jensen was like ice in his veins. A cold betrayal leaching all the favored memories from his blood stream and leaving behind that moment where Jared’s world crashed.

Conflicted and confused Jared made a rash decision. 

He was on his feet, keys in hand, before he could second guess himself.


	9. Chapter 9

Jensen snatched his keys and let himself be swallowed by the night air. The metal jangled in his shaky grip, but finally he felt his ribs expand in the unconfined dark. The house was stifling, especially the bedroom, pressing in from all sides. With every twist and turn in the narrow hallways he could see the crumbling foundation of his life, the life he had crafted and decimated. It took three tries to slide the key into the car door and unlock it. The sound of grating metal scratched his ear drums as frustration blunted his movements. Finally, he clambered into the driver seat and let his head fall against the steering column. Unsteady breath jumped from his lungs for a long, unsteady moment before he started the car and pulled away from the curb. He leaned against the side door with a propped elbow, perching the side of his jaw along his knuckles. He flipped on the headlights, illuminating the spacious streets. The asphalt rolled by in well-kept lines until he swerved out of the neighborhood and forced the rubber tires onto cracked earth. The back road was desolate, only the thrum of his engine and the sway of tree limbs. He thumbed on his brights, sure that no other car would be joining him on his late night escape.

Long furrows of trees encompassed both sides of the road, bowing more inward the further he crept along the path, until they began to meet overhead creating a canopy of leafs and bark. Occasionally the vehicle jolted over a particularly large crevice the street, and Jensen’s skull would bounce of his fists before falling back into its resting place. Jensen let his mind clear, enraptured only in the rolling of dirt beneath his tires and the steady barrage of trees alongside his window. The familiar setting put him at ease, he knew that the road would continue uninterrupted for at least 10 more miles, and it was too late for any other car to logically roll down the pitch black back alley. Unless someone else was in the same predicament he was in. Desperate for escape yet clinging to shelter. 

He didn’t even think about his head would until the road before him began to shimmer as if through a wave of heat. He shook his head out in an attempt to clear his vision but it only worsened his eye sight and made his brain pound at the back of his skull. He pulled over to the side of the road, slipping into park and rubbing at his eyes. When his vision continued to pester him he turned off the engine with a groan. He slid out of the front seat into the Texas night and slammed the door behind him. The excess force didn’t will the car into action but it did make him feel better. His cellphone screen was bright in the ebony air, tree overcast blocking out most of the moonlight except for small snippets every few feet. He flicked through his contacts four times, pausing every so often before thinking better of it. Glancing calculating down the road he thought about making the trek to the next busy street, but he could barely see a mile ahead in the dim light. He scrolled his contacts once more.

He could call Misha, he was sure he would come, but that wasn’t fair. Dragging the poor man back into his web of messy circumstance every time he needed to use him. Things wouldn’t change after the rescue and short car ride. He could picture as Misha let him out at his house, eyes downcast and sheepish smile, he could see the moment were he would dash Misha’s naïve hope once again. No, Misha deserved a clean break. Jensen may feel like a cheating asshole but he wasn’t malicious. At least that’s what he was holding onto. 

He turned around, bracing his forearms on the cold metal of his car and continued to stream through the names. After a multitude of hitches he landed on the one name he actually wanted to call: Jared. He dragged his lip between his teeth and closed his eyes against the bright name. 

It was a risk to call. He couldn’t honestly say that Jared would come to get him, or even answer his call at this point, but he knew how he would feel if he didn’t. Like it was all over. Like the bottom of his stomach had dropped out and his heart had lodged in his throat. Like he had lost what was most important to him. But if he did answer, if he drove to the abandoned street and open the car door wide to let Jensen in, well maybe there was hope. Maybe they could reconcile. Without giving himself enough time to doubt his actions he pressed call. 

Ring

Ring

Ring

_Hello, this is Jared Padalecki, I can’t come to the phone right now but if you leave a message I’ll get back to you soon…ish._

The beep was abnormally cacophonous in Jensen’s ear drum and it took his a beat to wet his mouth enough to speak, “Jared, I know you’re upset with me I just… I didn’t know who else to call. I can’t drive, well I shouldn’t have driven, anyway I’m on the back road about 10 miles from the nearest street. I understand if you don’t want to… Could you pick me up? Just if you don’t mind… Okay… Bye.”

He let the phone fall back against the roof of his car and gripped his head between his palms. Tears burned the backs of his eyes and he attempted to shake off the ridiculous need to cry in the middle of this empty road. This entire night had just been a constant stream of missteps and mistakes. As he stood there in the dark night with a bruised brain and not a person to call, he realized that he hadn’t even known what being alone felt like until now. He was neglected and antsy and in desperate need of contact, but he was never alone. He never really worried that Jared wouldn’t show up in a state of emergency. He might miss a date night or an anniversary, but if Jensen had been in the hospital or in an accident Jensen had no doubt Jared would drop everything and come running on long legs. _Jared would have dropped everything._ He wasn’t so sure anymore. Maybe this was karmic retribution for his colossal stupidity. The metal roof buzzed against his skin as his phone went off. He wearily looked down.  
 _I’ll be there soon._

Jensen couldn’t help the smile that broke his aching mouth, or the well of optimism that filled his chest. This didn’t mean that Jared had, or ever would, forgiven him. But it at least showed that Jared hadn’t given up on him. That was enough for Jensen in that downtrodden moment. It was something to sink his fingers in. 

He wrapped strong arms around himself and rubbed at his chilled flesh, the cool air beginning to make itself known. Inside the protection of his car the night had seemed peaceful, but standing on the road with nothing between himself and the elements the description which better fit was eerie. There was the high pitched chirp of crickets accompanied by the low pitched moan of some woodland beast. Jensen was wishing for bunny rabbit. He pressed his back to the side door and faced the trees with darting eyes. Occasionally there was a flicker of yellow eyes but they never seemed to move any closer. A rustling of brush off to his right set the hair on Jensen’s arm standing straight up but it fell silent again after only a second. The bright beam of his head light lit up the area closest to him, and likely was keeping any animals at bay. So he remained close to the glaring light and kept a watchful eye as a precaution. 

After about twenty minutes he heard the distant thrum of another engine. He cupped his eyes past the illumination of his headlights and saw Jared’s SUV progressing closer. Jensen ducked into his car and removed the key, making sure to rotate his headlights off in an effort to conserve battery and relieve Jared of the heavy glare. He dropped the keys into his pocket and circled around to the other side of the car as Jared rolled to a stand-still. Jensen tugged the passenger door open and plopped inside. Jensen struggled with his seat for a moment as it refused to lock into the track. He had been nagging Jared to have it looked at for at least three months, to no avail. Eventually he just propped his feet under the dash and pressed his back against the leather to hold it in place. Jared made no comment, simply slipping the car back into drive. 

“Jared…” The name was booming in the quiet confines of the car, Jensen paused letting the name hang in the still air. Not even sure of where to start.

“Don’t.” Jared’s eyes remained steadfast through the windshield, “You can’t talk your way out of this one. You cheated on me.”

“Well it’s kind of hard to cheat on someone who’s barely in the relationship.” The quip pitched from Jensen’s lips before he even thought it through, but it stung with truth. Jared’s head snapped to the side to meet Jensen’s gaze.

“You don’t get to fucking pin this on me! I get it! I wasn’t there, but that isn’t an excuse for you to just throw everything we had aside!” His knuckles were white against the black leather of the wheel, voice racked with rage and pain.

“I’m not trying to pin it on you! I’m not trying to make what I did okay, I just want you to see where I’m coming from… Just watch where you’re driving.” Jensen turned back towards the window, tension evident in his upper body. 

“I will never see where you’re coming from! I would never have cheated on you.” Jared spat back and Jensen reeled back to him, green eyes wide and earnest.

“You practically did with your job.” Jensen snapped, a dry laugh buffering the statement.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Jared’s lip curled at the comment, brows furrowing together. 

“Watch the road, Jared.” Jensen refused to meet his gaze, staring reverently out the paned glass. 

“I said, what is that supposed to mean?” The hairs on the nape of Jensen’s neck prickled as he felt Jared lean in closer. His body heat mingling in the spacious air between them. Jensen ran his tongue over his front teeth before glaring at the man beside him.

“It became more important to you then I was.”

“You have no idea what you’re talking about. Everything I did there was so that we could have a better life.” Jared rolled his eyes, shaking out his long locks at the implication. Jensen’s nostrils flared.

“That’s bullshit! You forgot I even existed half the time. You went to your job more and more so you wouldn’t have to deal with the problems between us.” Jensen waved his hand emphatically between them, the other one fisting in the material of his seat belt. He angled in ward, trying to gain as much directness as possible.

“There wasn’t a problem between us until you decided to get your dick wet with some other guy behind my back!” Jared shoved his right shoulder back in order to also attempt at facing Jensen, while keeping both hands wrapped around the wheel.

“Oh we’ve had problems for a long time Jared, and if you can’t see that then this is even more of a one sided relationship then I thought.” The words had deflated in volume but dripped with menace. 

“Well apparently it’s a three sided relationship!” Jared barked out along with a broken chuckled, trying to pry at where it would injure Jensen most.

“I didn’t fucking sleep with him!” 

“You might as well have!”

“Fine! Maybe I will!” Jensen seethed, mock proclamation giving him a false sense of dignity. Trying to prod at Jared the same way he had been playing with him. 

“Go ahead! Because as far as I’m concerned, you’re a single man!” The words stung them both and if Jared hadn’t have been running on rage he would have retracted them immediately. There was a brief pause as Jensen broke eye contact, hurt deeply imbedded in his gaze. Jensen turned back to the front of the car, trying to close himself off from more blows. Jared noticed as his hand shot out for the door handle and his mouth snapped open. 

“Watch out-“ The warning came too late as Jared abruptly turned front and saw the rabbit hopping into the road, without thinking he swerved away from the hopping white fur and righted himself again. A collected gasp of relief escaped them both. Jensen’s limbs relaxing back in to his lap and Jared’s hand relaxing on the wheel. 

Then the front tire bounced off a large rock, the loud pop of the impaled rubber startling both of the young men. Jared wrestled with the wheel to right the vehicle, but it was no use and it slid haphazardly across the broken gravel before slamming head long into the thick trunk of an oak. The screech of metal and a warm palm brushing his bicep was the last thing Jensen was aware of before unconsciousness swallowed him.


	10. Chapter 10

The world began to filter in slowly. The hiss of the car's engine, the crisp night air drifting through the shattered window screen, the tinkling of broken glass falling prey to gravity, and then white hot pain. Jensen gasped weakly, body jerking at the intense agony rippling through his traumatized torso but he found himself pinned. He blinked open one eye, blurry lights and fuzzy shapes filled his vision. He attempted to bring a hand to his aching forehead but his right was trapped beside his thigh and his left was tightly tucked in to his chest. He dragged the limb painstakingly out into the open air, crying out weakly as something shifted in his chest. Gingerly his finger probed the sore bulge on his skull and came away tacky and red with congealing blood. Jensen could feel the itch of drying blood streaming from above his eyebrow down the arc of his chin. Eyelids fluttering his vision began to clear. He could see the dashboard mere inches from his face, his stomach pressed into the plastic, and his ribs groaning from the continued contact. His seat had unlocked and slid along the track before crashing into the dashboard with the force of the crash. The air bag was deflated from unexpected weight and hang uselessly across his thighs. Jensen twitched the fingers of his right hand, they were barely grazing the metal bar to move the seat back. He strained his arm downwards and nearly screamed at the pain which flooded his abdomen. Shallow breaths slipped past his bloody teeth while he mustered the will to try again. He gulped in a lung full of oxygen and strained downward, fingers slipping around the sleek steel as one of his ribs shifted against his flesh. He yanked quickly and shot backward with all the strength he could muster in his calves, praying that the seat would lock back into place. The chair reeled back and settled into a notched slot. Jensen breathed a sigh of relief, bruised right arm clutching at his middle. He surveyed the rest of the car.

The front end was smashed into a bank, the sheet metal crumpling in on itself and billowing smoke seeped from under the ravaged hood. The curve of the bank pinned his car door into place and was mattered with the sparkle of shattered glass. Jensen rolled his head to the other side and his breath caught in his chest. Jared's head was lolled toward him, face slack and covered in blood. He could barely make out a gash in his hair line where his skull had cracked against the steering wheel. "Jared."

His voice was cracked, barely above the flutter of the wind and he swallowed down the bile in his throat. "Jare, baby."

Jared didn't stir, face completely impassive. Jensen roved the rest of his form to take stock. His legs were wedged beneath the steering wheel and his left arm was against the mangled mess of the drivers door, the skin looked scraped raw but he couldn't see any bones or unnatural angles. Tentatively Jensen removed his hand from his aching belly and pushed Jared's sticky hair away from his eyes. He skated his hand over the smooth divot of his cheeks and gripped the hair behind his ear. "Jared you need to wake up now."

Desperation began to build in Jensen's throat as he scratched at Jared's neck with blunt nails and brushed at his face with his bloody fingerprints. "Jared! Please Jare, please."

Tears began to build in his vision salty water cut a path through the dried gore coating Jensen's features. He placed an open palm across Jared's chest and could feel the weak flutter of his breath. He mouthed a silent 'thank you' and let his head fall back against the head rest. Then Jared shifted against his palm. Jensen turned back to the younger man and felt his cheeks lift as he began to groan and flicker his eyes. “Oh thank God.”

“Wasss…” A moan grated the back of Jared’s throat as his shoulder spasmed, knocking his beaten limb against the traumatized metal. Jensen’s fingers twitched toward the ailing man but the blossoming pain in his chest paused the movement.

“Don’t…” Jensen sucked in a gasping breath, ribs creaking at the rush of oxygen. He squeezed his eyes closed, white light flickering behind his eyes. His throat was tight, head pounding in tandem with his heart beat. “Don’t move.”

“Jen…Jen what happened?” Jared ground, molars creaking from the pressure of his clenched jaw. Agony radiated from his left forearm, he glanced sideways at the trapped limb and winced at the sight. Collapsed metal swathed under his elbow, pressing the joint out of its socket. A slim rivulet of crimson streamed across tan skin and dripped from the tips of his fingers. The tender skin of his underarm was scraped pink, every twitch causing an uncomfortable tug on the mutilated appendage. His left shoulder groaned at the uncomfortable slump he was being forced into and his skull pounded in rhythm with his heartbeat. A pained intake of breath caused his attention to wander to the passenger seat.

“Think the tire bounced off something…” Jensen was pale and drawn in the dim lighting. Shadows pooling under sharp cheekbones and in his eye sockets. His green eyes shimmered eerily, the cracked glass leaving shimmering streams of moonlight to dance across his features. His pink mouth drew up to the right side causing a bead of red to well up in the center of his bottom lip, “How are you feeling?”

“Like everything is fucking falling apart.” Jared chuckled out brokenly, his eyes drew tight at the corners as vibrations raddled is arm against the crushed door. Jensen glanced away, watery green eyes scanning the still night outside. Past the spidery cracks in the windshield and the steaming hood, the road was bare and coated with solace. The insects and bugs were beginning to venture out again after the cacophonous crash, chirping symphonic-ally and rustling through the fallen leaves. Jared shuffled in his peripherals suddenly, shoulders drawn up and brows downcast. “Fuck, my phone is shattered. What about you?”

Jensen rolled his eyes at his own oversight fingers twitching across the material of his jeans as he tested his battered physiques ability to move. When he didn’t immediately black out from excruciating agony he gingerly picked up his right hand, letting it hover as his muscles contracted before drawing it towards his upper thigh. The roll of his shoulder blade sent sparks of fire dancing down his ribs and in the pit of his stomach. He breathed deeply, but his lungs cramped and hitched in his battered rib cage, causing the steadying breath to make his cranium spin. 

“Jensen, your phone?” Jared looked across the front seat to Jensen’s shadowed silhouette. Even in the poorly lit confines the tension in Jensen’s upper body was evident. “You okay?”

Jensen took stalk of the coppery tang in the back of his throat, the stabbing pang low in his gut, and the fire dancing across his ribs. His fingers tapped across his thigh near the ridge of his jean pocket. With a stilted breath he caught the corner of his iphone and dragged it out of the stiff material, glancing down at the dark screen. Dead. “I’m fine.”

Jared stared over at him, apprehension filling his hazel orbs. Jensen gnawed his bottom lip, lie bitter on his taste buds, “Just hit my shoulder is all.”

“The right one?” Jared asked, forehead drawing upward. Jensen could see his replaying three years ago inside his skull. When Jensen had fallen off a ladder taking down the Christmas lights Jared had insisted they put up. ‘Let’s wrap it around the limbs Jen! It’s look like a winter wonderland!’ Jensen had received a concussion and a torn rotator cuff, Jared had a guilty conscious and a huge hospital bill to pay off. “So, phone?”

“It’s dead.” Jared’s palm thwacked the steering column abruptly, profanity falling off his lips. Whether it was from the phone or the jolting pain caused from his angry gesture Jensen wasn’t sure. 

“Okay, we can figure this out. Maybe the car battery isn’t completely dead, maybe we can charge it?” Jensen looked across the crumpled hood, billows of smoke rising into the cold night air before glancing back at Jared’s naïve expression. He nodded stiffly, prying the technology from his front pocket and tossing it into his lap with a low hiss. “Jen, can you get the charger from the dashboard?”

Jared saw the panicked look cross Jensen’s features, “Just use your left arm, it shouldn’t jostle your shoulder too much.”

‘Fuck’. Jensen tossed Jared a tight lipped smile he hoped was reassuring before staring at the daunting task before him. He slowly levered his left arm upward, breathing slowly through the heat racing along his insides. Once the pain was at a low simmer he began to lean towards the compartment, biting back a scream as something shifted in his rib cage. A piercing sting shredded his midsection and the taste of blood intensified until he could practically smell it on his breath. His fingernails scraped the plastic dash, tugging at his nail beds and cramping his fingertips. “Jared ’m srry-”

“Can’t reach the charger?” Jared wondered aloud, voice filtering out concern and annoyance. Jensen shook his head minutely, forced to seal his eyes and bear the roll of nausea this movement brought on. 

“No, not ‘bout that…” Jensen whimpered through tight lips, words slurring softly.

“I don’t want to talk about this right now…”

“Please, jus let me get this out.” A heavy silence sat in the air as Jensen waited for a protest that never came. Salt water stung the backs of his eyeballs and peaked his eyelashes. He wet his dry lips, brow furrowing in concentration to articulate his words out of the garbled mess in his ringing skull. “I wish I could say that I didn’t mean to hurt you, but I did. I wanted to h…hurt you. I wanted to remind myself that you gave a shit that I existed. It was selfish and stupid and I know that, but it’s the first time I’ve felt anything from you in so long.”

“I love you…”

“That’s not enough. I’m sorry, but I want you too like me too. I want you to want to spend time with me and to not avoid having a conversation with me. This relationship is like a contest for who can care less.” Tears fell freely down Jensen’s cheeks and dripped off the peak of his chin. A dry laugh crackling in his throat. “God we’re a mess.”

“Jen… I like you. Of course I like you, well liked you. Fuck, I don’t know at this point.” Jared pressed his palm into his dry eye, scrubbing at the scratchy feeling pulsating there. He dropped his arm, looking over at Jensen. His green eyes were bright with tears, nose runny, and cheeks flushed. His dark eyelashes clumped in two peaks, dumping tears in rivulets down his pale cheeks. “I’m just so goddamn pissed at you.”

“I know, and I understand, you’re allowed to be pissed.”

“Why didn’t you just leave?” Jared questioned, stroking his temple tacky with congealed blood, “I’m not saying I wanted you to I just… If you were that miserable.”

“I couldn’t give you up.” Jensen’s voice was soft but sure, a bead of blood pooling in the corner of his lip. Jensen let his tongue swipe it away before he could think about its repercussions. The answering silence lay heavy across his bowed heads. Jensen popped the dashboard and pawed inside before clawing the charging chord out. “Can you plug this in?”

Jared silently plucked the chord from Jensen’s fingers with an outstretched limb trying not to jostle the other side of his body. He plugged the chord in and reached out towards the phone in Jensen’s lap, but even his wide reach only clipped the corner. “Can you pass me your phone?”

Jensen slumped into the seat, dull pain washing over him in waves. He dragged the phone with his left hand over towards Jared’s outstretched hand, cold fingers lingering against the taunt hot flesh. He heaved his gaze to meet Jared’s and felt his lips fall open. They stared openly at each other for a long moment. Tacky with blood and lined in shadows, faces cracked open and vulnerable, the kind of silence they didn’t have to fill with voices. “Don’ give up on me.”

“I don’t know what to do Jen. I want to forgive you, God I really do, but I can’t even look at you right now.”

“Well that makes two of us, I can’t stand the sight of me either.”


End file.
